Interesting day in mead-E-ation (spelled wrong intentionally).
Some extremes, some reasonable actions. Cust-ody went OK, not great but OK. Got a few more days with the kids, but a stip-ulation added that we revisit it in mead-E-ation again in 6 months. W apparently thinks I have to prove to her that I am a good dad and then she will "allow" more time with the kids. In the mean time she is a "perfect" parent in her eyes. Whatever, still something wrong upstairs for her.
Asked for the OFP to be dropped, got a "no." Asked to get some stuff from the house that I will get anyway in the "D", with a specified neutral third party along, got a "no" from her, but her atty said yes, that I have a right to my stuff. Wow, what is her problem? I can have the stuff, just not yet? Why does she get to control that? I don't deserve it? She's afraid I will find fun things to do with my kids with the stuff, and we can't have that?! Or just plain need to punish me?
Keep in mind her fear is still in control of her, she can't be in the same room, so this process took twice as long as needed.
She said she needed to leave at 2:30 to pick the kids up from school. I had to bring it up to the mediator that W's mom was right there with her, my mom was there, someone else can pick up the kids. Mediator comes back, yeah W's mom will go get the kids. I commented to the mediator, "see I am STILL being controlling." I think it is sad that I am STILL the one that needs to bring logic to her life.
I came out of the conference room and saw W in the hall. I went back into the room and waited too she went by. I could tell she was crying. Keep in mind I rarely ever saw her cry. I felt bad. But then wondered, what is she crying about? She chose this path.
So, I started speculating... She wanted "time to find herself", she didn't want a D, and was upset when I started the process. I wonder if she honestly thought I needed to put everything in my life on hold for this process and rot at my parents house while she went out on her self-discover mission? That I shouldn't have been upset about the OFP because I really was a monster? Or she knew that was the only way to get her "space"? She didn't want me spending too much time with the kids because she was afraid of what I would say/do to them. S11 the othe day said W thinks I am following her. Wow, the paranoia runs deep in this one.
Will she ever get better? Maybe some day she'll feel safe around me if I prove myself to her that I am safe? And then she will approach me carefully and say it was all my fault that she didn't trust me? But I wasn't the problem!
Ironic, after the D papers were all filled out and ready to sign, I was reviewing them, and I cried. I reverted back to wishing she would stop what she is doing and realize her mistake. Even after all her childish behavior, even after the paranoia. Why do I keep reverting? I think I still feel bad for her and want to help! I need to detach and let her starting paying the consequences for her own mistakes.
