hello, poschan. I just wanted to welcome you to the group. I am sorry that you had to find us, but I'm glad you did. There are a lot of incredible people here, all in similar situations to yours, and you will find help and support here.
Hang in there and know that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Frame things in months or seasons, not days or weeks. I wish I had known that a few months ago...
It really sounds like you are on the right track with your GAL efforts. You're working out, dressing better, and doing things for yourself. Be sure that you seek out other people who can be there for you. Reconnect with old friends, join new groups, hire therapists or doctors, and do whatever it takes to build yourself a support network. It's critical that you have people who care about your well-being because there will be days when you will really need them.
Use this site as a journal, a sounding board, for reaching out, for support, or in any other way that you find helps you. Weave yourself into the fabric of the group and you will find support here, too.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Thanks Collin and sandi2 for your input. It is really tough living in the same home and not communicating at all (other than the icy glances). I need to try and stop being so helpful (old habits). She'll eat and leave her dishes around (which has been a sore spot for me in the past). Never understood why she does it other than I guess her mom used to cater to her. I am starting to realizes big differences in the way we approach life too (I am frugal, she spends like crazy (we both make good salaries), I recycle, she disposes and buys new, I like the outdoors, she stays in, etc. I know that differences are good but maybe not so much. Its true that she does not seem to be the W that I married...She hasn't forgiven me for past things said, although I have told her I forgive her for all and I don't bring up the past when we have had conversations. When I starting GALing and not being home and being better dressed she accused me of lying why I was dressed better in the morning (since I work from home) and when I told her I wasn't lying about not going anywhere ( I know I should've approached that better) she said "this is why we'll never work")... huh? There's been signs of borderline/narcissism and that was one of the reasons I didn't want to go to counseling when she first asked in last year. I have since told her I would do anything to save our R including counseling and she doesn't now as she is "done". She has told me that way too many times. This has been a tough week but I know I need to be strong for myself and D7; it's just easier said than done. Thank you everyone for the support and prayers to everyone who is having rough times. The pain will make us stronger and smarter. Question re: Mother's day...is it ok to get her flowers from D7 and myself or should they just come from D7?
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
You have a good understanding of what to do based on what I read in your posts. The emotional roller coaster is normal, and the reactions of your W seem textbook. Keep trying to avoid reading into her reactions as you make changes. The changes are for you and if you feel good and confident, then any accusation she makes is irrelevant. And you are correct. This is all easier said than done. But so is bench pressing 250 lbs at first. It takes time, daily practice, some mistakes that you learn from, and persistence .
Only this will make the changes permanent, and only then you will be the person only a fool would leave, and then you will be strong enough regardless of her choice to move forward .
For now be the best father possible, hang in there and stay in the moment.
In answer to your question, IMHO, send flowers only from your d. Gifts from us at this time are not recommend .
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thank you Phoebe and SadHub. Day by day its so easy to be negative and think about the ill to come. I need to stay present and focused. I have a question...if I want to go out with friends but not let W know details, what is the best approach?
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
The best approach is to just go out with friends. If she asks, you say " I am going out with friends" and leave it at that. A goal of LRT and 180 is to take care of you first and potentially create intrigue for the WAS. Don't over think it to much. My DB coach gave me advice to look at WAW as a sister. You love your sister, but you don't need to explain things to her, you still treat her with respect, but you do your own thing.
Hopefully this helps you a bit.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I have a question...if I want to go out with friends but not let W know details, what is the best approach?
You get dressed to leave. If she asks questions, you just tell her you are going out. No details. If she continues pushing, you tell her she has your number if there's an emergency. Just remember she may pay you back b/c she won't like not being able to manipulate you. She sounds very spoiled, and if that's the case, it's time to shake things up.
Stop catering to her and cleaning up her messes. Stop treating her as if she's a princess and you are nothing more than a servant. And do not be afraid to stand up to her. If you ever want her to respect you as her H, and desire you as a man.......you will need to change the dynamics in the relationship and the home.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Great advice SadHub and sandi2. I am blessed to have found this site and your support. It really helps. I hope I am able to provide the same to you all some day. Hugs
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
Hi sandi2 - how do you get WAW to stop resenting and respecting H again? Its so strange how you can be together for 12+ years and then it's like living with a stranger. I am starting to think it will be better for me (less anxiety etc) if she gets her own place. No D papers filed yet that I know of.
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
doing some GAL tonight...go out and listen to some live music with a friend. WAW still not talking to me even though we are in the same house. Hard to accept but I seem to finally be coming to grips with certain things. Just need to keep working on myself and take things day by day. We all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, when we are not its time to take action and make changes for ourselves
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
doing some GAL tonight...go out and listen to some live music with a friend. WAW still not talking to me even though we are in the same house. Hard to accept but I seem to finally be coming to grips with certain things. Just need to keep working on myself and take things day by day. We all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, when we are not its time to take action and make changes for ourselves
You are doing well, and have the right PMA poschan. And yes, I agree that we each deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. And we must start that with ourselves. When we do, those in our lives that matter will do the same. Have fun with your GAL activities tonight.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
