That is a big hug. Thank you for your kind words. You really got me here, and my heart aches for you. When I read your posts, I see so much wisdom and transparency, and without a doubt you are a good, solid man. I don't know you or your W, but I do get the feeling she is making terrible choices right now.
Sometimes when I post here, I am not sure what to say, because I also recognize we are different people, have different Ms, and each sitch will turn out differently. So when I do give support or advice, even those splintering 2*4s, it's only because I think it was what I needed to hear during that time in my life. I was always too afraid to post, so I commend all of you that have more courage than I did.
SadHub, if there is something I would want to tell you, it would be to not take her words to heart. Now, I am completely of the Left Coast, and hate to gender stereotype, but I do think women can speak in ways that men don't understand or in ways that they should NOT take literally.
What your W has told you, I have told my H many times, and I have said much, much worse! Not only while he was off in the fog, but since he has been back. Do I mean what I say? In that moment of deep emotional pain and fury, I feel like I do! I am an emotional creature and have a lot of triggers. The other 95% of the time I don't mean it at all! I don't say these things to attack him and push him away (even tho it does), but it's a cathartic release because I am hurting, I am scared, and it's that little child that is still wounded and afraid. It's not because of who he is.
So until we go back in time and take care of that little child, we remain wounded. Even if we reconcile, and we breathe those big sighs of relief, that wound is still under there. Those are the deepest wounds. That is why I am a believer in the DB process--because it is about learning to heal the self, love the self, and break unhealthy, co-dependent patterns that we all fall into with a long term M.
So it's a win-win situation any way you spin it. Not measured in days or weeks, but over your life time. If the H/W comes back, we are stronger to enter piecing. That is the only time we can work on the R. If they are not 100% committed, you have to let them go! For them, but also for yourself. If they don't come back, then we recognize we deserve better than that AND we are better prepared for the next R. We will not repeat the patterns that got us here. We are the other half of these Rs.
I hope today is a better day. Just wake up each day, eat, cry, take a walk, laugh, cry, sleep, and then rinse and repeat. That's what I did for a long time, but I never really gave myself credit for it. Over time everything will work out if you believe it will.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
