Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

Thanks, Job, for the feedback and wisdom. I needed that.

So far, NC has been good this week. I've been busy. I did see H called the other day (caller ID), but I was out taking a self defense class (Krav Maga-pretty intense!). He didn't leave a message or try my cell phone, so it must not have been important.

It was my second class and I met some nice people, including a tall, nice looking guy my age. I'm allowing myself to notice that, now. I used to brag that I never looked at another man because I only had one that mattered in my life. Even the husbands in our "social group" were kept at arms length. No phone calls unless necessary to them, as in only if I was babysitting and they were picking up. I've told my daughter that I wouldn't date until quite a bit after the D...no one deserves to be a rebound and I'm sure I will be a bit of a mess. She keeps telling me that I should date (her way of dealing with break-ups before she got married). Nope. I'm still married and I believe what I said above. But I think its ok to look and practice my "social skills", right?

I had one thought as I explored the idea of other men in my future. I feel, as so many others on this board have expressed, that I don't know the man my H is right now. He still shows some of the same traits (kindness, concern, helpfulness, in charge attitude); but they are weakened or forced seeming. Not true or real. Was he always this way? Am I seeing things right? I loved that he was an Eagle Scout when he was a teen- his father and brothers all were, too. He LIVED the scout law and was adamant about it. To be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. I was not a scout (obviously), but he was on the board in our hometown and complained about how many Eagle Scout contenders couldn't recite the Scout Law during the interview process. Early on in our marriage, he fit all of those descriptions. Now? Not so much. I wonder if he even realizes how much he's changed?

On the house front, there has been a showing every day of the house. Two yesterday. The feedback has all been good and, in fact, my agent said that one of the showings (her clients) will probably end up in an offer. Fingers crossed.

It is a painful thought, moving from here, but it is going to happen. It has to happen. I can almost picture living elsewhere, but due to all of the unknowns, I just have a shadowy dream-view that keeps shifting and changing as I get new info from my daily thoughts, activities, and explorations. So many questions and so few answers right now.

I can do this because I have to.