Checking In

[BklynMom]

Hi All

Just wanted to check in, I have been lurking around for a while but not posting much these days since most days I feel happy about my new life.

Its been 5 years since the bomb and I can say 90% of the time I feel like the bomb was the best the thing that ever happened to me. It has taken me a looong time to get to this point, I was devastated for 2 years. I think what set me back the most was how evil he made me out to be. It was very had for me to except my faults but also to learn that his crisis had nothing to do with me.

The gaslighting is the hardest part of the whole thing especially because friends don't understand it, so there are only a few same places to talk it. These boards and also Alanon for me.

It is amazing what a rich and wonderful life I have today and how I really feel like a truer version of myself.

My ex dropped a new bomb this week. He says he is moving across the country to L.A. in mid June. His reason - he can't afford to live in NYC and pay all this child support. This is complete B.S. - he and his girlfriend (she has a good job) who I assume he splits the rent and household bills with, live in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Manhattan. There are other neighborhoods that are a lot more reasonable and safe. And seriously he thinks L.A. is going to be cheaper then NY plus all the flying back and forth.

He is still running.

Obviously this has nothing to do with child support, I receive the standard NY State percentage for 2 kids. Probably has to do with his girlfriend wanting to start a family, maybe she doesn't like living in my shadow. (Btw this is the woman that contributed to the breakup of my marriage - and really she was just an easy escape as my ex was having a mental breakdown)

So this is what I am doing now, (Warning: I am sure will not be approved by many vets but I am following the advice of my father who is not only a divorce lawyer and child right advocate attorney but also my main confidant through all of this.)

I have offered to take a deferred reduced child support rate indefinitely as long as he stays in New York. He would owe me the $$ deferred when the kids turn 21 and he no longer owes me support.

My father thinks our #1 priority must be the well being of the kids. And the girls will benefit substantially from a consistent relationship with their father.

The past six month has been the longest period in the 5 years since he left that my ex has exercised his right to bi-weekly visitation. Generally he spends 7-8 months a year working out of town.

Again running away.

I feel stronger then ever. And these current negotiations with him make me realize just how far I have come and how far down he is headed.

I do pray for him. He has missed so much time with his children already. Time he will never ever get back. I hate to brag but I have the two most beautiful and sweetest little girls you can image and watching them grow has been the greatest joy of my life.

Peace to everyone hear. It does get better.