Still, making strides with the help of my parents. They are helping me out with some pretty major house things. Maybe that's why I feel so tired? I'm actually making good progress?
I feel like I've lost my sense of perspective on my own life recently (maybe the past month or so). Like I've somehow gotten bogged down and am feeling stuck.
I don't understand anything of what's happened. I mean, I understand intellectually, but the feeling side of it? What does any of it mean? Why?
Still trying to keep moving forward, in spite of that feeling. Doing very small things, making very small progress: had a bath, cooked a healthy lunch, done the dishes.
It was my H's birthday at the end of January. That was just before he left our home town to work abroad for a few months, and I know he didn't have any sort of celebration then.
He's back in our home down in the next couple of days, and I know he's planning a big, belated celebration for his birthday.
The date of his celebration is set for a few days before my own birthday.
Focus on your and plan a great day for yourself. It's too easy to fall back into the trap of worrying about the other person's motives and feelings. Whenever I see W's contributions to a wider family text group I try to erase quickly and not dwell on her attempts to carry on as if nothing has changed. We all have days when we want to give up, are angry that things aren't as we want them to be but try to remember the progress you have made. You've got friends and family to help you throught this. Don't waste your time thinking about him, although we all know how hard that is. It won't change anything and can only cause you hurt. If things change you'll know how to react but keep going and enjoy your days for you and yours.
Strange day. Was desperate for some human contact, warmth and positivity. Went to my part time job and it felt like people were avoiding me.
I know it's just my mindset at the moment, but I felt really lonely and isolated from the world at that point. And one of the reasons I love my part time job is that I work with some really great people and it's a very sociable job too...I get so much back from it usually.
One of my colleagues! I know her from another job years ago and I met her H a couple of times too. Well, a few months ago she told me they'd split a good while back after a very, very long M, and that he had been the instigator of the split. There was another person involved. We were chit chatting a bit today and she was commenting on my newly dyed hair. I made a very gentle joke about life and making changes for the better. I could feel the utter rage in her, just coldness. I don't want to be like that.
So tired at the moment. I can't believe the amount of energy it takes to keep this wholething going and moving forward in the direction you want it to go (GAL, etc).
It feels like the minute I stop trying really hard and giving it my all, I just sink back into something that's really unhealthy for me.
Feel like I'm carrying some sort of millstone round my neck at the moment. And I don't think that D will make it go away either, it's one of those things that you actually have to keep going through, and keep pushing forwards, isn't it?
I had such a laugh with my friend. She is a good friend to me, and I really like her. I always come away from meeting up with her feeling very positive and energised, and she says the same about me too.
We occasionally work together (I'm incredibly proud of the work we've done together) so we also hatched some work plans for the autumn.
I will get in touch with some other friends and arrange to meet up over the next few weeks.
I had let that side of my life slide during our M, but it's something that I have come to appreciate and value beyond all measure over the past six months,
Anyway, my H is due back to our home town after working abroad since the start of February. During these past few months he's dropped off the radar completely (which I thought he would do).
He's posted some weird things on FB, but hasn't said anything about OW on there. He may or may not. Who knows. I don't know who he is any more. I don't recognise him any more, he feels like a complete stranger to me.
So, he comes back to our home town to find every single thing that is his in bin bags, with his sister. There is nothing of his left in my house. I've also been getting rid of some of our wedding gifts (the things that I didn't ever like), by giving them to some of the charity shops near here.
I've been thinking about that night in October and the couple of months following, and I have absolutely no idea how I survived all of that and got through it. I can remember the pain of it really clearly.
Reading some of the posts of people who have just joined the forum and just started on this journey brings it all back and is excruciatingly painful.
I feel in a strange sort of limbo. I'm not sure who I am any more, what the core of me is about. I just feel utterly exhausted at the moment.
