I'm lucky for now that OM is out of the picture, for what i know. But who knows when the next one will come around.
But I put my S to sleep, and i feel good, I have not neglected him and that is something i don't want to do. I'm GALing whole wknd but will make sure that he knows that his father loves him. I can't say the same for his wayward mother.
thx for the support.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I pick my kids up tomorrow for the next 5 days, can't wait. Does mean I need to cross paths with WW after this interaction. Glad I have somewhere to be and won't be hanging around to chat. I haven't responded to her message.
I have made sure my kids are in a stable environment here at home as much as I can. That's all we can do and show them how much they mean to us.
Picked up the kids this morning, W did not try and chat today even after the messages last night. Was fine by me, I just got the kids and left. W still doesn't look good for someone enjoying their new life. Doesn't look like she has run a brush through her hair in weeks. Also for someone that indicated that she had plans and wanted me to pick the kids up earlier, didn't look like she was heading out. Anyway, it does make me feel a little sad seeing her this way but it is her choice and it is what it is.
Happy to have my kids and just enjoying a beautiful day as the play around in a play park. Plan on watching Star Wars again with my son tonight.
A little update on the weekend. Had a great day with the kids on Saturday, went to the hockey club I play for and watched some of the games with the kids. There was a small festival at the club too, and the kids enjoyed playing in the pitch when the games were finished. Got home late, but D3 to bed and S7 and I watched Star Wars V.
Yesterday, we had a quiet morning but made brownies all together in the afternoon. Some friends came over for coffee and brownies. Had a good time with them. After kids were in bed, W's Uncle called and I spoke to him for awhile. He let me know how all the family are doing as I don't contact any of them at the moment. FIL's health is not so good which is hard for me as I can't do anything to help out. We talked about him, he runs a farm and is calving so I get to hear the exploits of the calves which we were able to laugh about. Towards the end of the conversation, (I had kept it away from talking about W) he asked me about her.... Had I seen her, how is she etc. The family are not hearing from her much. I just answered that I only see her briefly every 2 weeks when I pick up the kids. I did say she doesn't look so good and has been ill often but there is nothing I can do. I am just moving forward for me and the kids.
Their concern is that she could withdraw into herself, she has done this before. I just said I don't know and again there is nothing I can do. All I know is she is living the life she wanted away from me, how that is working for her, I don't know.
Felt more at peace this weekend, is difficult when the family ask but her decisions are her decisions and I do feel a sense of letting go. No doubt still have work ahead, but definately had more peace this weekend.
So has been several more days of feeling peaceful in myself. Finding who j was before and ironing out the wrinkles to become a better man and father. Have been saying to myself everyday that W chose friends over family and a loser over me. Why would I want to be with someone like that.... I understand and feel the ability to let go and drop the rope. I have been looking back at myself to when I didn't let emotions bother me, find that strength in me that I could handle things even when they were difficult. I have been reading the threads "Quotes found on Divorce Busting", I find so many answers to questions in there without having to continually ask. Quotes from Sandi, Coach, Robx, Puppy etc many things that have brought me strength the last few days.
Tomorrow I heading home to see Sister and niece, kids don't know as I don't want it getting to W. Looking forward to spending some time with them.
Hey Si, i'm reading every post on that thread, thank you. It led to my epiphany actually. I was seeing all these struggles and realising that the LBSs were talking about me too.
Enjoy your time away.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I have a situation that i have been mulling over and interested in opinions.
Next week I take my kids away for vacation, my W wants our car for the week and is playing difficult with the travel forms. My original plan was to take the car and park it at the airport for the kids and me, W wants to drive us and pick us up.
My pros and cons, so far, if W drives us are as follows:
Pros: save some money by not having to park the car for the week. Potentially have some time with W were I can listen to whatever she has to say, maybe even validate some of her reasons if they come up. Will make the path smoother to get the travel forms and suitcases (as she took them all when she left) Do I need to give a little to get a little?
Cons: have to be in car with W while she is potentially still angry with nowhere to go. Could be confusing for the kids. Am I letting her get her own way and being a doormat.
I'm sure there are others.
My gut feeling is to take it myself even if she gets mad or angry. Am open to 2x4's, if my 'nice guy' traits are coming through again.
Think of it as an opportunity to detach and take her with for the drive. What more can you lose? Just have your ducks in a row and make sure that you don't talk, rather nod and smile.
I'm off to 4 day holiday with the WW in 2 weeks time. Its going to be an exercise in restraint and detachment which i have not and probably will never experience again. I look forward to the challenge.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
So after sending W a text regarding some logistics of this week last Friday, I just got a response this afternoon by email. W still writes a lot when she does communicate, it was almost like a normal email we would have communicated when we were together. When she moved out she took all the suitcases so I had asked for 2 for the trip the kids and I are going on. On Fiday I had suggested I would pick them up tonight and she just replied that would be ok. Since I hadn't heard anything I had made alternative plans for myself to go do things tonight straight from work which is when she said I could come by. I'm not going to change my plans, just wondering how to word my text...
Something I do have is a book of rambling notes that my W wrote to me during our first year or so together. I have been going over and looking back at who we were when we met, what drew me to my W etc. I find it hard to put into words but there was just an instant connection, we met at a wedding were I was the best man. A friend of mine married one of my W's cousins. We spent 4 days together immediately, I flew to where she lived at the time within 36 hours of meeting her. We spent 4 days together before I went back to the UK. Our relationship was built over the phone, we would talk for hours. I immediately booked tickets to fly to her for her birthday, bought her a necklace for someone I had spent less than a week with.
One of the things I have read that she wrote about me the was how she loved me for what I was doing for her, I did as I said I would. Some of my friends tell me I spoilt her, that she never had to ask for anything, that I did way too much for her. She used to tell people when we met how I was the best man and I was the best man. I was always there for her, she used to call in the middle of the night to talk, to cry and I'd pick up and listen. Just listen.... I know now, from my IC, hat I was on the verge of a breakdown, I had already collapsed and spent a night in hospital last year. I couldn't be everything she wanted me to be, do everything she wanted me to do, this I can accept and move on from. I guess the bit I struggle with myself is I lost that ability to listen, to validate, to support the emotional weight as I was breaking myself. I am forgiving myself, sometimes a little slowly, and I know W has her share of responsibility to this and only time will tell if she does...
Another thing she wrote about me was my kindness and generosity, something that has always been there but got mixed up with the arguments and life struggles. I would love to be that person again but I know I can't when there is someone else involved, I don't know the extent of the involvement, I know it is at least emotional but I assume the worst.
My FiL wrote to me a couple of months ago and told me to win my wife back with kindness and humility, (an man that also had an affair). I did tell him at the time I could but, as he well knew, that can not be done when unless a third party is removed completely. Something he did for his W and family to his credit.
Patience is something I generally had in spades, I lost so much over the past year and it's one of my ongoing works with myself and a situation like this sure tests it like no other.
My thoughts of where she might be or who she might be with are not troubling me, I'm happy to say. Texts and emails are fine as long as I don't try and analyse every nook and cranny, just take them as is and deal with it. I do feel my strength returning, I know I have to be patient with myself also, I have recovery work of my own even outside of my W's decision. There was too much going on emotionally, mentally, physically for me in the past 2 years that it broke me. It's kinda scary hearing my IC tell me how close he thought I was to a potential complete breakdown. I'm just glad to be going in the right direction again, the cost has been potentially huge in terms of my family, but I will rise again.
I was never one to reach out to friends, (something that my W was critical of) (and this was down to being let down by friends that I had supported heavily in the past) never mind strangers, but the support amongst people here that are in different places, different stages of life, has shown me how niave at times I was to try and work things out by myself all the time.
