You're a good man. I relate to part of your story. My ex wobbled about our relationship when we were dating, then slept with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding. When I discovered this 6 months into the marriage, I asked him to leave. He pleaded and I ended up working through it with him. I put it down to youthful nerves on his part. I chose to take the chance on staying in the relationship. But what I didn't realize at the time, as we moved forward with having a family, was that I wasn't the only one taking a risk. I also subjected my kids to that risk.
When my ex had an affair the kids were preteens and teens. I felt so guilty about the pain they experienced. I DBd the heck out of my marriage and we reconciled. The next few years were good, but eventually he hit a MLC at fifty and left for good.
Both you and I ignored red flags we should have paid attention to early in the relationship, and sadly our kids pay a price. But staying in an abusive relationship with your wife is not a tenable position either. Your kids need to see a healthier relationship model as they grow up.
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. I'd learned to mostly keep to myself. It's been many years now and I've succeed professionally but I've failed to make any new friendships in the last decade. I struggle with conversation. I'm willing to strike up a conversation with almost anyone, but I can never think of anything to say. Conversations are brief and quickly become awkward. This makes it really difficult to make it past the first interaction with someone.
I'm really sorry that you were bullied. This probably explains why you were so willing to endure such poor treatment from your wife. The challenge for you is to learn how to develop and maintain friendships.
You can do this. Get involved in activities that bring you into contact with people with shared interests. Practice that guitar and then find a class like I did, or find like minded people to jam with on Craigslist. I started learning to play the drums at 53 when my husband left. I'm turning 60 this week but I don't feel bad about it at all, because I've played 3 gigs in the last 6 weeks with my pop-punk cover band, and we rocked! I may be a middle aged mom but I'm rockin and feel about 25!
You may find, like I did, that after losing your spouse, there just wasn't much to be afraid of. I felt like the worst had already happened. Next to that, things like a date not working out or risking playing in public just paled in comparison.
One thing I know, my kids have benefited from seeing me pick myself up and create a new life... It let them know that they too could survive the divorce.
You can do this. Work on yourself, on having healthy boundaries, and on making new friends. Develop new interests and grow yourself a great new life.
