Haven't been on in awhile. I've been in quite a deep depression the last few weeks leading up to my birthday and right after. I was getting sad remembering how much H and I loved our birthdays together and how I just wanted to spend the day with him.
Up until my bday, I've let H do all of the initiating and extending of convos and every week or so, I'd get a text saying, "How are you doing? Is there anything I can help you with?" And trying to DB as best as I can, I replied in a light, breezy tone - only bringing up things I need help with logistically if he asks. He keeps offering to help but his actions don't always match. I know, believe 50% of what they say.... Very frustrating.
So a few days before my day, he reaches out and asks how I'm doing and what are my plans for my birthday. I responded and he replied, "That's nice." The next night, I break and text him saying, "I wish I was spending my bday with you." Mind you, I NEVER do that sort of thing. He replies the next day asking what my plans are and what time I'll be home, saying that he will come by in the evening. Needless to say, I was very surprised by this. So he waited until I got home and came right over, and was sitting in our apartment waiting for me when I walked through the door. He told me he has a gift for me, but that he left it at the place he's staying, but will bring it over later this week, and then asked me if I wanted to go to dinner. *No, I never changed the locks b/c I never felt it was necessary as he always tells me when he is coming over and has only ever popped up out of nowhere once 2 weeks after he left b/c I never called him back after he called me even though I said I would.
So we went to our favorite place in the neighborhood and though some things we talked about hurt and were difficult, for the most part we had a really nice time. He held my hand, fed me a piece of cake, we laughed, listened to music, etc., basically did the things we did when we fell in love. He walked me home and came up for a bit. And as soon as he got too comfortable and started to hug me very passionately, he pulled away abruptly stating he doesn't want to play with my emotions. He then left and said he would bring my gift by later in the week, but hasn't yet. The next day I thanked him and told him I had a good time and he says he had a good time too. But here's the reason I gave you the background story - he really hasn't made a peep since!
I've followed up with him on some things we discussed but its as if he completely forgot about those things b/c he responded like a day later and now its back to the distancing crap again. So basically, I was sent on another tailspin. He's still saying he doesnt know if he wants to be married but then says he wants to continue having good days like the one we had the other night. Very frustrating b/c as mentioned, I havent heard a peep from him!
There's so much going on right now that all stems from this and I'm feeling overwhelmed and all alone, but I know this wont be forever. I just need to work on finding my joy and peace, and reconfiguring my GALing because its getting boring and expensive. It just seems as if he's forgotten about me and is moving on with his life. I know mind reading but thats the honest truth.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
