HI LiM and Vanilla and DBers, ok, LiM, I mentioned I would write a post and ask some questions - after reading most of your posts (LiM) just feeling a bit confused about my next steps. Will be speaking to my DB coach this friday and my IC on Thursday. LiM- you are a wonder a wonder a wonder! Bravo!!!! About 1.5 weeks ago my H asked about the possibility of coming back to live on our property. We have a house and a guest house. A lot of space/privacy between the two. I had thought of this myself as a possibility. FYI - it will be four weeks ago this Friday that he moved out after a big fight we had. No plan, no talk, no discussion, Just boom, gone to stay with some friends. Since then there has been no contact initiated by me at all. A couple emails from him. The first re-stated that he was 'done.' When I surprised him by validating and saying 'I understand your need for space right now' he emailed back saying 'I am glad we can be friends and thank you for be in reasonable' Not precisely sure what this means, but one of our points of contention is that when I am stressed I am definitely not 'reasonable.' I would guess he is a bit surprised that I have not at any point pursued, texted or called and that I have not mentioned wanting to stay together or work on the M even though that is what I want of course. While we've had stress and difficulties in past year, we were still had some fun, did hikes and connected after work every day etc. Anyhow, he emailed me last Sunday and asked about some financial stuff and then asked about 'making a plan to move forward'. I have to respond eventually. I read a bunch of things on the web today about separations and using them to eventually reconcile. At the moment, I have to assume this is not what he has in mind, though it still is what I want. My quandry is,I am really pondering how to make this idea of living on our property together work for me. I know him well, and the last thing I think would work is saying, hell no, you can't come back unless you are willing to work on our M. I have a gut feeling that in our case, and actually got some guidance while meditating the other morning, that going the 'friend' route may be my best option. He will go into defensive mode super fast if he feels I am trying to make him DO anything or work on the M. But if I validate and am able to start rebuilding our friendship, there may be some hope of softening his heart. The biggest challenge for me is to figure out my boundaries and what I would need for me to have this work, and not be emotionally derailed by his presence. I don't want to get myself in a situation where I am emotionally triggered and upset all the time if I agree for him to come back but then he starts talking about D etc. Any thoughts on questions I really need to be asking myself would be most helpful. Our finances are not in great shape so him renting a place now is a bit unrealistic until I have a much better job. Ideally we would have some connection, work on garden together etc. and while I work on my own healing journey figure out a way to be loving to myself and him without being attached to the outcome. Yes, I can become a Buddha in a short time!!!! thank you all for listening!
