Does my story belong here now?

[someguy1233]

I'm going to respond inline with your questions. But first, THANK YOU for the thoughtful post. I really appreciate it. I've been thinking about some of your questions for a while now.

However she said some of the things that wife has said to me during our sessions is the most hurtful things that she has ever heard someone say sitting on that couch. That was a bit of an eye-opener.

That's a pretty powerful - and uncommon - thing for a therapist to say, so I think it's highly significant.

If you were to ask your friends and family if they agree with that assessment, what would they say? Have you asked? I'm betting they've all seen it.

The marriage counselor called it emotional abuse. This is the same label my mom used years ago. My wife on more than one occasion has told me she doesn't love me, doesn't know why we keep getting back together, that she doesn't find me attractive (I'm NOT a bad looking dude!), that she doesn't care to give me what I need in a relationship.... then typically a few weeks later she'd do a 180 and come right back to the relationship.

The big question is - why did you put up with her behavior for so long. I understand about standing for your marriage because of the kids. But was she like this before you married? Before the kids? Do you have any understanding of what her issues are? Your kids are little, has she has postpartum depression? Does she have a mental health issue or addiction? Do you? Were you repeating an abusive relationship from your childhood? What were you parents like?

Sometimes we really need to figure out these issues of ours, to prevent us from making the same mistakes in future relationships. And really, figuring out how better to handle the relationship with your wife is going to be of importance in a divorce, since you will be co-parenting for a long time.

I'm not lying when I say I don't know how many times our relationship has been on and off. It was that way before we got married and continued after marriage. When I met her I was depressed and felt like I had very little self-worth. I've since overcome this and feel that I am amazing, however I still have social anxieties that probably stem from the years of bullying from my youth.

It's hard for me to put a finger on her issues. She seems to be a searcher. She's always searching for something and doesn't hesitate to make major changes. Over the years I've witnessed it in her jobs, friendships, vehicles, etc. If she decides she doesn't like something, or that something else could be better, she jumps. I'm the polar opposite. I evaluate and research before I make any decision.

As for your social anxiety - was that always present, or did it develop after being in this abusive relationship? why do you think you struggle socially? (For some it's a matter of poor self-esteem. For others it's the result of poor social skills - for instance, one of my sons has very mild Asperger's syndrome - he's friendly and extroverted, but because he stands too close, talks too loud, is too effusive about nerdy topics - the world is a confusing place where he encounters a lot of rejection for reasons he didn't understand. This too can lead to social anxiety. )

My social anxiety definitely stems from years of abuse/bullying throughout my youth. I received the brunt of the bullying throughout my elementary school years. By the time I reach junior/senior high I'd learned to mostly keep to myself. It's been many years now and I've succeed professionally but I've failed to make any new friendships in the last decade. I struggle with conversation. I'm willing to strike up a conversation with almost anyone, but I can never think of anything to say. Conversations are brief and quickly become awkward. This makes it really difficult to make it past the first interaction with someone.

One challenge after divorce is reconstructing a circle of friends, as few of us get to keep all our married friends. Participating in activities you love can be a good low-pressure way to develop friendships.

I've read about this and have started putting together a list of activities I'd like to pursue. Unfortunately I feel like I can't make any decisions to move forward with them until our finances are figured out. Activities include, picking up the guitar again (I want to play in a crappy cover-band!), learn to work on cars, possibly joining a shooting club (if finances allow), join a gym rather than working out at home alone.

My ex-husband was very extroverted and picky about who he hung out with, so over the course of the marriage most of our friendships ended up being "his" friends. I moved after our divorce and lost touch with most of those people, but really didn't miss them. I started learning to play the drums in an adult "school of rock" kind of class. I met many great friends there and have been playing in a band with the same two guys for 5 years, they're like brothers to me.

This sounds terrible, but divorce can be an opportunity to really let go of your preconceived notions about yourself and embark on some serious self-improvement. And while it's sad not to have your kids every day, it also gives you some days when you are free to pursue those interests.

That sounds amazing! I didn't even know there were classes like that. What a fun way to grow personally!

This opportunity for growth is the one thing that excites me.... and terrifies me at the same time.

I agree, divorce is terrible for kids, but if she's verbally abusive, it's also not good for them to grow up seeing that sick relationship as an example.

((((((hugs))))))

I keep trying to tell myself this. Our oldest is now 5. I'm sure he notices something isn't right but he can't figure it out. The kids are the part of this that hold me back the most. I really don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to grow up being shuffled between houses. But then I briefly dream about a relationship with someone that is an equal. Someone that would value and work on the relationship even half as much as I'm capable of. That would be an amazing example to show the kids. I just don't know how to get there.