Well just found out that part of what played into my wife's BD was D17 (stepdaughter) told her Mom that she didn't know if she could keep her relationship with her mother if she didn't leave the MR
My stepdaughter and I were close for most of the M towards the end it got a little rough as she wanted more independence and I favored more structure in her life. As I mentioned in a over dramatic display she moved her things to my W Sisters house and was living there for a month or so before the separation but now she is bitter and angry with me. I am still close with the two oldest Step Sons but I was crushed to learn this news.
I now know there is really no hope as I would never put myself between her and her children, it not a choice I would ever ask her to make.
So sorry to hear about your sad problems. My advice, based on the information you have given us, is to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of S12, considering his delicate and challenging health problem.
As for D17, it is likely she will leave home by the time she turns 18........if she wants that much indepence, or shortly after. Unless her mother enables her by allowing her to do what she wants. I would be more concerned that your W sacrificed her M and the well being of her little boy to satisfy her older daughter. Plus, there is always the chance you don't have all the facts, yet. I don't understand why your W would not feel guit about breaking up the family, but say she felt guilty for allowing you to place the child warfare over hers. Or......was that more you guessing that she felt that way? Ironic that she would have blame you for placing your son over her, when she turns arounds and placing her own daughter over you.
Heartache is not a respecter of persons.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for your insight I'm relatively new here but all your posts I see are so well thought out and directly to the point, I know for one I appreciate straight shooters.
Yes she will be moving into an apartment later this summer with a friend as she will be starting community college in the fall but still I think she has driven an impenetrable wedge between her mother and me. Not saying it is all her fault I just think it was the final straw, I accept my responsibility in the downfall of the marriage.
My W has always had a problem with discipline for the kids except for our child maybe it's stems from her first divorce and their Dads lack of interest in the kids life but that's just a guess I discussed it many times with her but it never went anywhere.
She has expressed in a round about way she thought I placed our childs concerns over the entire family but my actions for 12 years proved otherwise but if it's how she and D feel I'm not going to argue I will validate for now
Things are just messy now even though the W and I when we do communicate it's better than it has been in a long time but what person in this situation doesn't feel like their life is a complete and total mess.
Ahh the joy of having your S be with you seems to wash away all the noise that clouds your thought process during D proceedings.
It's the little things like that, well I guess having your child with you is always a big thing but it puts things in perspective and gives me even more motivation to Detach from W and GAL.
Our differences over parenting time are starting to make some headway and with summer break rapidly approaching I know my times with him will be even more frequent and for that I am grateful
To all those going through the same things, which is most of us on this forum continue to fight the good fight. No matter what the outcome with our M or attempts at R we have things to hold strong to to get us through these tough times
Well my W and I were able to complete the parenting plan rather amicably today. I really hope a lot of this paperwork stuff is done soon, hard to detach and "get space" when there is still a lot of communication.
Anyhow it went well and were able to work out as close to a 50/50 split as possible considering our work schedules. Few touchy topics discussed as part of the agreement such as other people spending the night when our S is present with us. Both of us agreed that should not be permissable and we both stated we are no where near considering dating other people let alone "having sleepovers" but just hearing things like, "it's your life now you can do as you please" those little innocent comments really sting.
I know I have to apply the believe nothing of what they say and half of what they do principle here but as we all know it gets to us at times.
Anyways hopefully we can scale back our contact now for a month or so. Now that this piece of the puzzle is out of the way, next big hurdle is moving into my new apt. 1st of June. Baby steps, I keep telling myself :-)
Another week in the books, had my S last night and all day today, we went golfing with a buddy of mine had a great time.
My attempts at limiting contact with the W has been going better. I've been able to avoid face to face contact at our drop offs for a few days now. I have noticed she is texting me more the last few days. Nothing serious, stuff about the kids but she'll throw an "I stopped by the house to get something I cant believe how clean it is and how good the garage looks." She also makes sure to text me when she gets the Child support check, thanking me so much for being a responsible Dad. I rarely ever reply, maybe just a 1 word thanks or your welcome every now and again.
I refuse to read anything in to her reaching out like this. I'm not a mind reader and I don't want to waste time trying to figure out if there is any deeper meaning to all of it cause right now I just don't care. I only want to keep moving forward, doing what's best for me and my S. Besides the D is moving forward so really that says all I need to know
Hope everyone out there going through this is doing well. Keep striving for improvement and growth. I like the saying I hear around here a lot, we have been given the gift of time, lets all make sure we use it wisely.
The D proceedings continue and I get the feeling she wants to talk about maybe not rushing it through like she's seemed so determined to do in the past but she's afraid to be the one to bring it up. Little things she says off the cuff nothing specific but I know my W.
I know I shouldn't bring it up, don't want to appear to be a pursuer but is it something I should try and initiate in a round about way? I'm really conflicted on this. The detachment is going well so I don't want to mess that up but I know she is starting to at least realize there is no need to rush this.
I could really use some helpful advice on this topic from some of you that have went through a similar scenario
Well enjoyed my time at my S baseball game last night. The W was there saw me from a distance and smiled and waved and started approaching but I was talking to some of the other Dads so kept my focus there.
She has been texting again, frequently, nothing ever about us which is fine by me but it's always something related to the D or how the D will effect such and such.
She is now very worried that the Step Children will no longer be covered under my medical insurance once the D is final. For one she will have to take them on her policy and this will cost her in premium payments so of course she is seeing what I can do to keep them on mine. Also my insurance is quite good so in general she's worried about proper medical coverage for the Step Children as well.
It just always seems like she is seeing how far she can take it. Where she can still get her D but make sure my bank account is still there for her and the other kids. I've seen this referred to on here as cake eating, so I know not to play along with it. She made this choice so now she has to live with all the consequences that comes with it. It's obvious she acted out of anger and emotion and never really thought this thing entirely through but again that's on her not me.
I just continue to act "as if" and go on with my life. I love my W still but I'm starting to see and be ok with the real possibility of life without her
Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful Mom's out there. Here's hoping today is a day where you can put aside all the "noise" going on in your lives and be celebrated for all you do.
Mother's Day has come an gone. I had my S on Saturday night and usually have him all day Sunday but offered to bring him to my W place after church so he and the other kids could spend Mother's Day with her and she was appreciative of this.
I did give her a Mother's Day card but it was very general and I just wrote that I hope she enjoys her day. Usually when we would give each other cards we would write heartfelt sentiments but this was neither the time nor the place.
Overall things have been going well, I have done a good job limiting my contact. She does text me a lot about our S and other questions that really don't need to be addressed so I still don't know if that's her way of staying somewhat connected to me but nonetheless my responses are always 1 or 2 words as I refuse to engage in any needless chit chat.
GAL is progressing, I run close to 7 miles 4 days a week and am down about 30 lbs. I have no idea what she is thinking in regards to R, I'm guessing she is still not considering anything other that D but right now I don't care about that. Maybe that discussion will come some day down the road maybe it won't.
