Detach (from WW and lose control) • Do not start 100% of all conversations - What do you mean "do not start 100%"? Dont start ANY? I sometimes can't help myself, but know that the aim is to not start any. • Do not get drawn into 100% of all possible arguments - Arguments arent inherently bad. What is bad is spiraling and getting off message. It's OK to disagree. Its in HOW you disagree that is critical to maintaining a healthy R. I over analyse everything which just makes things worse. I am calm but come accross as over critical. • Do not check Tracker when my WW is out • Keep my phone off when my WW is out • Consciously remove control over others when I interact with them - - How will you measure this? I guess that i need to evaluate afterwards if the decision was theirs, or mine, not sure how? • Do not react to anything anyone says or does, pause and then consider my response
Improve myself (GAL) • I need to go to gym at least 3 to 4 days a week. My gym bag must remain in the car so that I can simply state that “I’m going out”. • I need to stop eating junk-food, and actually start eating. I need to keep healthy snacks to boost my nutrition. - Good. Do you have a clear target for acceptable/unacceptable? Yes, absolutely no junk food, if such, then a healthy alternative. Did well until BD2, so can do it. Used to have fast food probably twice a month. • I need to get out every day that I can, even if it’s a drive to sit somewhere and soak up nature. I need to try and see more live sports and spend time with my long lost family and friends. - Be more specific. Is "getting out" include walking to the mailbox? Add a quantity of time. Also, dont say "try" in a goal. Its a goal...it's OK if you dont hit it. What do you want? twice a month? weekly? I want to do something different every wknd, a movie by myself, a walk outdoors, a hike, a visit to the beach. At least one thing differently each wknd. Oh, must add two more - no drinking of alcohol and no porn, period.
Understand boundaries and implement some • I think that I’m starting to get what boundaries are. The big emotional one will be no intimacy with my WW. The longer I can keep her off me, the stronger I will get. I will know that I will have achieved it if the day to sign the D papers come and I’ve still not given off. - Define intimacy. Hug? Kiss? R talk? Sex? Intimacy is all of the above, i am too invested in my WW to be able to tell the difference between when she's temp checking or cake eating.
Appreciate the little things
• I think that here I need to affirm my WW whenever she does anything that is not selfish, and is her going out of her way for me, or our son. Perhaps hitting 100% of affirmations, and understanding where I did not. - So you want to appreciate "the little things" or appreciate "her"? [/quote] I guess that I want to appreciate her, well not her specifically, but the person for my next R, if anyone at all.
One thing that strikes me as odd is that you dont have any goals about your relationship with your son. How do you feel that relationship is? I think that the R with my son is great, better than its ever been. If i focus on myself and include him whenever and wherever I can then the R can only get stronger. But ultimately, my goal is to have him to be disciplined and listen to me first time, without him fearing me. Right now he toys with me, waiting for me to do something before he listens.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
I agree that there is no need to reply to her email. It's words in a message. It doesn't mean anything. Her actions are loud and clear.
I think your goals are a good start. The more you tweak them into measurable things, the better they will be. One concern I have is that you plan to turn your phone off whenever WW is out. I don't think that's smart in the sense of safety. And what if you want to call/text a friend while she is out? A better option would be to turn her ring tone to silent and build resistance to checking your phone while she is out. When I was struggling with this, I would force myself to not look at my phone for a certain amount of time. Maybe 10 minutes for example. And I would increase that number over time. Eventually, I broke the habit.
"I guess that I want to appreciate her, well not her specifically, but the person for my next R, if anyone at all."
Maybe you could change this to appreciate your son? I'm not saying you don't appreciate him, but why not practice the skills on him? Or you could work on showing appreciation for others in general. Tell someone thank you, compliment them, let them know you're grateful for whatever thing they did. Start with X times/people a day and work your way up? Just a suggestion!
No, only time takes away the pain (or maybe you just learn to live with it.
I'm getting a strong sense you are trying to provoke a response from her and that pretty much everything you do/say is to get a response from her. And I think if you honestly look at it you will see the same.
@dream, okay, that is a long list. will keep on my PC and go over it everyday, weekly. I've never been one to compliment people, I always believed that people should always do their best. Funny thing is that i need compliments/appreciation to motivate me too... Something I was never good at when I was a team leader. I'll look into the phone thing, as I guess I can't totally ignore her, although there is a home line which she can call which will wake me up.
@Vapo, I've always judged people, and my W, i guess the OM does not do that at all. I need to stop because it is not something that i want to do. Always thought of myself as humble, now i'm eating pie.
As for her email, I re-read it over and over again and it made me sad - now i realise that it's her feelings (sincere or insincere) that's how she feels. If i were to respond it will need to be how i feel. Something along the lines of "I know that you do love me and I can imagine how sad this can make you feel". ... My anxiety is gone. for now - lol
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
