It's been an interesting past week. Found out ex NG still cares for me and talks about me, and some other sad things I can't mention on here. I felt validated and better for about a day, I even felt compassion and wanted to help him, which I realize is pretty messed up and then I got angry. I just want my heart and mind to let it all go. But it digs up a lot of crap about past R's that are unsettling to me.
There was this guy I used to work with. We began working when I was married and pregnant. We became friends, and I suspected he might have a crush on me and realized it was true after my ex and I split. I wasn't in a good spot, and nor was I attracted to him. But one thing I will always remember and cherish is that he is the only guy who has SHOWED me how much he cared for me. He would help me with anything and always ask if there was anything he could do for me. One night when I went to work deathly ill (calling out as a nurse isn't easy)and I ended up in my own ER severely dehydrated, he stayed with me and well after our shift. He went to the store to get me ice pops when I couldn't swallow (sever tonsillitis).
No other guy in my life has ever SHOWN me how they care for me. I am typically suckered in by words. The words when you don't hear them for a while fill your heart up. But when actions don't follow up, they tear you down. No one has ever followed up with actions. I express my needs for once in a R and the guy says "nah". I was asked by said mutual friend if I would ever take exNG back. and I realized that unless he could SHOW me he cared me, well, it's the only way I would ever consider it. But right now he could say it, but I know he does not plan on showing it. And when I love, I SHOW love. I give it, I don't just say it.
Anyways, yeah, due to ex's schedule changes I have been missing my IC appts, so I thought I would let it roll here. My ex is still a huge selfish douche who I have no desire to even look at these days. he has temp-checked me a few time since, and I'm just not biting. I just can't. He is a sorry excuse for a man and a father. I feel like I will never stop paying for marrying him. I knew I shouldn't have. It is what it is. I can't undo it.
I actually do want to start dating again. I will be 36 in exactly one month. I want to move on and find my companion. However, time is not my friend. I'm just going to try the law of attraction and hopefully he will just come to me. HA!
