Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

Thanks, everyone, for checking in and wishing me well.

I find myself needing others a lot right now. I'm not sure why, but I'm back to feeling very down and alone. I have grown some supportive friendships, and my older daughter has been very good at being there for me (and I for her, as she is going through her own stresses), but I'm battling not longing for H again. I'm having a hard time trying to stay in the moment. I'm back to worrying about the future and rehashing the good and bad of the past.

I'm trying to be NC with H. He did call last week from work to see how the photo shoot went and was pleasant enough on the phone. But then...nothing. I wasn't done with house projects and maintenance (which he said he'd help with), but he seems to have checked out. I wonder if that had something to do with his grumpy demeanor the weekend I was going through videos? Can't read his mind. Anyway, I heard nothing from him, so I just worked on the house myself in between showings. On Sunday I finally had to call and tell him I could not start the riding mower. He was walking in a "roadrace" that we always did together as runners. I had chosen not to do it, as getting the house stuff done was a priority. I immediately assumed he was walking it with Bubbles as she would walk it while we ran. Got myself into a tizzy, thinking "how will he ever miss me if he always falls back to her!?" But he didn't...he chose to do it 2 days before with the lady from the office that I spent New Years with because her partner dropped out last minute. I am so not detached. Little moments like this remind me that I've still got a ways to go in that area.

He came over to help, apologizing for not doing some things to it to make sure it ran. I had him walk me through those things so that I could manage it myself. He kept making eye contact, and looking at my with his head cocked to the side with a half smile. Another version of H? Must have been the endorphins from his walk. I had noticed he had paint cans in the back of his car and asked about a project he had mentioned at the vacation home. I wondered if he was going up to complete that. He was not going up, though (I'm on the way) so I just complimented him on the color choice and told him that it would look great. He only came up to help with the mower...didn't offer to mow and I didn't ask. A change in our dynamic.

After that whole exchange, something clicked. I mowed by myself. I then, instead of just leaving by myself while the house was shown, drove up my next door neighbors driveway and asked her if she wanted to go someplace with me(her husband works away from home for weeks at a time). We had a great time. I never would have done that before.

Then yesterday instead of hiring someone to come out and fix our central vac issues, I went to the center and bought the parts and had them explain how to install them. I now have a functioning plug (that one hadn't worked in three years) and the head doesn't make a horrible noise anymore. Did it myself and saved a few hundred on service call and labor!

This is, as my real estate agent says, an odd year for real estate. I have had a showing every day of my house, which means I have to leave for an hour or two on weekends or if its after work. Not getting much accomplished at those times. I guess I need to go to the library, then.

Feedback has been good...people love the house, the view, the property. Only negatives were personal preferences (ie, shop too small, view not "big" enough, too much landscaping). I guess its rare to have this much interest in this price range, but I'll take it! At the same time, it makes me realize how much I'm going to miss it. I have to remind myself; it is too big, too far away from town, too much work for me alone. I need to "get excited" again at the idea of being closer to people and shopping, and about creating a smaller more easily managed home. Transitions!

Anyway. Once again, wordy wordy me has written a book.But my journaling has helped.
I'm learning to be more self reliant. My confidence is very slowly building. I'm digging in on relationships with those who are supportive and distancing a bit from those who were initially attracted to the drama of my situation (there were only a few) and trying to forget about those who I thought were friends but couldn't show up when I needed them. I'm trying to live more in the moment...hard to do, but maybe I'll get there.
I'm trying to detach from H, but that is hard after 26 years. I relied on him for a lot for a long time. It is tough to be rejected and yet still have that person be connected to you. But NC, with a few hiccups, is going to get easier I think, as I learn to do things more and more on my own.
sigh.
It will get easier?