Ghostbusting This

[ATPeace]

Thank you for checking in in me I will post again here as it is the safest place to write things down that I want to say to my W but I know she does not want to hear so I guess I am just venting out my thoughts

Being together in house is so hard I am watching my W get further and further from me emotionally

Sotto you are right I am not ready for a new relationship it is the feeling lonley the lack of intamacy I do not want that from somebody else but I know I can't get it from my W

I have been here for almost a year and in that time I have made close to 1300 posts and although I feel I have learnt a lot I feel I still can action so little of what I know

So why do I keep torturing myself my W has not changed her stance and despite doing the wrong things and talking to her many times she is still remaining adament that she has made her mind up and will not change it...yet we are still living in the same house and as far as I know she has not made any plans to see a soliciter or to sell the house, she is able to work and spend the nights working (away from me ) ad I spend the days working (away from her)

I really enjoy spending time with my children they mean the world to me but my life is and should be more than just the kids

I only need to work three days a week my W only really needs to do the same however she is choosing to work five nights w week where she can so she is earning more miney to put aside for when we are in sepeerate houses.

I want to book a holiday with my w and the kids I do not know if she would Come with me I am scared to take the kids abroad without her being alone a single parent to 4 kids is not easy ok the older ones are fairly self sufficient.

So this Is my thoughts from this morning that I was going to imsg to her

I feel so alone ....

Every morning I wake up and just want to talk to you try and rebuild something with you keep a connection to you ....you still mean the absolute world to me and I wish more than anything we could be working to patching repairing rebuilding yet I feel the distance between us more than ever ...I do not want to live the rest of my life as a single man apart from you seeing my children our children half the time. I do my course and everything seems clearer to me ..... when things were bad between us last time and we tried again to make things better ...I did not have a clue as to what you needed I did not talk to you enough and find out exactly what you needed from me and I am sorry I did not understand this.

W I know that things will never be the same between us ever again but this does not mean that things could not be better, much better ....different ....much different.

We had 4 children together we did love each other and this love I realise for you is buried under so much hurt ....you wanted me to be there for you spend time with you and I cannot tell you enough how sorry I am that I did not spend more time with you when you wanted it I did not realise just how unhappy you were feeling

W when we conceived Baby 4 I thought that a baby would bring us closer together and things would automatically become much better without effort ....I did not have a clue...I did not realise just how unhappy you were I know you tried telling me and I am so sorry that I did not listen to you

I write all of the above not to piss you off or to make you upset ....I realise the full ramifications of splitting up and how it will affect our children. I have been getting along so much better recently with D1 and our other children love me we can give them a stable happy life you and our children mean the world to me the absolute world everything ... Please give me a chance.

I love you Forget the In love feelings for a minute I am talking about the love of caring for someone the choice of doing loving things the wanting to spend time with a person and making the choice of putting the other persons needs and feelings above ones own.

I am still the man you fell in love with the man you married and wanted to spend the rest of your life with .....sure along the way I made some very bad choices and I let you down but people can change you tell me you have changed if you can change then I can change I am more than my behaviour.

W I feel us getting further apart and it is killing me on the inside I try and detach my feelings from you but I cannot.

I realise I have no control of what decisions that you will make and for this it breaks my heart that you will not give us another chance at least to be curious to see if I can change or see just how our relations could be Different.

So this is something that I wanted to send to her this morning when I woke up I did not send this but wanted to post my feelings somewhere safe.

My thoughts are also the longer we are apart the more likely she will meet someone else and build intimacy with someone else I am sure when this happens she will think not for a moment about remaining in the house with me.

I guess the fact that I posted it here and I did not send it to her is a small step

So

I miss her
I want her back in my life
I feel she is moving on

And I can write this a 1000 times if I talk to her about it ...Her words I am just trying to wear her down

So another day keep the focus on the her and now

Thanks for being my friend my internet buddy
Ghost