There are so many really interesting things in your post. I agree with Ginger... I think the right IC (and it's important to try not to get too discouraged and keep looking for the right one) will probably be able to help you work through a lot of these things.
I can relate to SO MUCH of what you are going through... and probably the mom stuff the most. I've spent a lot of my IC time working through my R with my mom. I still have many moments of sadness but I've mostly accepted that she just cannot mother me the way I would like. She had a pretty messed up childhood herself...so when I am able to, I try to channel my feelings into compassion for her, rather than anger or resentment. I see a lot of mind-reading in the conversation above with your mom... She may not actually be feeling the feelings you are assigning to her. Maybe that is something to keep in mind?
I don't expect much from my mom. I do not enjoy speaking with her on the phone. I do a lot of texting with my parents, because they want to know I'm alive, and it allows me to communicate but also keep a safe distance.
And I also try to be optimistic about the fact that I am aware and reflective of my own behavior towards my daughter. That is one way I hope I'm able to break the cycle. Just last night, I noticed myself being short with her-- and then I quickly realized I was projecting anger from my stbx onto this sweet innocent little girl. I'm not perfect, but the more mindful I can be about how my feelings impact my behavior, the more control I can have over my actions.
You've come such a long way WRT your R with your daughter. Can you find compassion and kindness for yourself about that?
Big hugs to you. Hang in there. You've got a lot going on. -Claire
