However she said some of the things that wife has said to me during our sessions is the most hurtful things that she has ever heard someone say sitting on that couch. That was a bit of an eye-opener.
That's a pretty powerful - and uncommon - thing for a therapist to say, so I think it's highly significant.
If you were to ask your friends and family if they agree with that assessment, what would they say? Have you asked? I'm betting they've all seen it.
The big question is - why did you put up with her behavior for so long. I understand about standing for your marriage because of the kids. But was she like this before you married? Before the kids? Do you have any understanding of what her issues are? Your kids are little, has she has postpartum depression? Does she have a mental health issue or addiction? Do you? Were you repeating an abusive relationship from your childhood? What were you parents like?
Sometimes we really need to figure out these issues of ours, to prevent us from making the same mistakes in future relationships. And really, figuring out how better to handle the relationship with your wife is going to be of importance in a divorce, since you will be co-parenting for a long time.
As for your social anxiety - was that always present, or did it develop after being in this abusive relationship? why do you think you struggle socially? (For some it's a matter of poor self-esteem. For others it's the result of poor social skills - for instance, one of my sons has very mild Asperger's syndrome - he's friendly and extroverted, but because he stands too close, talks too loud, is too effusive about nerdy topics - the world is a confusing place where he encounters a lot of rejection for reasons he didn't understand. This too can lead to social anxiety. )
One challenge after divorce is reconstructing a circle of friends, as few of us get to keep all our married friends. Participating in activities you love can be a good low-pressure way to develop friendships.
My ex-husband was very extroverted and picky about who he hung out with, so over the course of the marriage most of our friendships ended up being "his" friends. I moved after our divorce and lost touch with most of those people, but really didn't miss them. I started learning to play the drums in an adult "school of rock" kind of class. I met many great friends there and have been playing in a band with the same two guys for 5 years, they're like brothers to me.
This sounds terrible, but divorce can be an opportunity to really let go of your preconceived notions about yourself and embark on some serious self-improvement. And while it's sad not to have your kids every day, it also gives you some days when you are free to pursue those interests.
I agree, divorce is terrible for kids, but if she's verbally abusive, it's also not good for them to grow up seeing that sick relationship as an example.
