Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for a while, and have been applying the rules and advice I have read here with a little success. But I need some advice on where to go from here. My wife has always been extremely insecure about me straying and in the beginning of our relationship I have here good cause with flirty behavior and porn addiction. Recently i have been struggling with moderating my alcohol intake and being extremely flirty with other women when we go out. She has had enough and told me the first time a year ago that she wanted to separate. Since then it has been a horrible cycle of me trying my best to be her "perfect husband", her pushing me away, me getting frustrated at her not accepting these positive changes and getting drunk...repeating mistakes, and rounding it out with her pushing me away even further. When I stopped drinking for the past month, this seemed to make her even more angry and distant, and she has left out marital bed just a week ago. I have backed off, stopped texting, stopped affection, stopped catering to her every grip, and stopped saying I love you and being sweet in general. This definitely got some negative attention from her. Up until she had said she wanted to separate, I wasn't really a present husband. So distancing doesn't seem like a 180, but more of the same...but it is a 180 from my behavior of the past year being the major pursuer. She complains about all of my new behavior, and I remind her she is the one that wants a separation and left out bed. I get the feeling I shouldn't be reminding her about this? How do I respond to her complaints when I am clearly not trying to pursue here anymore? She continued to say she doesn't want to be with me and she wants a separation. Last night she started to open up a tiny bit and Im thinking I did well with validating. I was laying in our bed and told her to lay down with me and I held her for a while and we had a great talk...progress?...no. We took a car ride to get dinner for the family and she went right back into separation land. She says she wants to start over, but can only do that by separating first. She tells me that I should be the one to leave since it will be easier with the kids for her to stay. I tell her if she wants to make that decision, then she will have to make it without me because I don't agree. She had ordered me out of our bed because of her "bad back" but I told her no, especially because of the way she is trying to control and order me around.
Before I go on typing 10 pages, let me get to it... If the end goal is to have a better relationship and be supportive of my wife and get the same support back...at what point should I start giving the good things back to her? The affection and love that I have for her now. Where do I go from here?
