Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. I was following the advice of the "other site" to the T but it was NOT working. Nicing my wife had the reverse effect. When I did nice things or things she complained I wasn't doing before, she said I was being "fake." The more I tried, the more upset she was.
The believability is of course the issue right? You were being "fake" and she knew it.
I'm not sure that "nicing" her is the way to go, it's more like not caring.
Not being in the way because you neither actively support her nor do you oppose her, you just don't care.
What makes these situations so tough to navigate is the nuance of how everything is said and done, and all the suppressed anger on the WAS side and the new anger and hurt on the LBS side, there are so many undercurrents that just get in the way.
Here's the dilemma with the "nicing" approach -- your W is set on this course. In order to feel good about the decision she's making, she needs to feel that's justified.
Her justification lies in things that she *believes* you've done, or have not done (regardless of the reality). She's constructed a story about you, that's based on thousands of feelings she's had, or many data points both real and imagined.
Now, she wants you to play that role, because that allows her to continue her course of action and feel as much peace as she can.
If you deviate from that role, such as "nicing" her, that WILL make her angry, because you're undercutting the story she's told herself about what she's doing.
When that happens, she can preserve her justification by convincing herself that you're faking, or manipulating her, but as soon as she let's her guard down you'll go right back to doing whatever it was you were doing before that she didn't like.
The only way to permanently throw her train off the track is that she needs to truly *believe* that things would be different.
She can ONLY believe that when (1) she thinks you've changed when no one is looking, i.e. whatever you're doing different you're doing for your own benefit and not hers, and the only way that this can be credible is (2) she truly believes that you don't care if she comes back or not.
As long as she thinks you're trying to get her back, she will suspect that whatever you're doing is play acting or manipulation.
If your play acting is directly undercutting her justification for leaving, you are going to see anger erupt like fireworks.
These situations are so difficult!
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
