Does my story belong here now?

[someguy1233]

I've been to the site on and off numerous times over the years always dead set to save my marriage. This time, It's Different.

I've certainly had a part in the numerous issues my relationship has had over the last decade, but I've come to the realization but there probably is no pleasing my wife. We have been on and off again more times than I can possibly remember. Each time I fight to keep the relationship, telling myself it's for the kids or it's the best thing. The problem is I think I'm really just too scared to go at this alone without someone by my side.

We had recently been planning major life changes including shopping for a new home. When she again dropped the bomb that she didn't want to be with me. I think this was roughly the third bomb in the last year alone. For the first time ever I blew up. I told her I deserve better. I told her I won't be treated this way. I told her I was tired of my feelings being dismissed and brushed aside with no regard. I told her this was the last time and that I was done.

I went to our regularly scheduled marriage counseling session. She declined my invite to come with. The counselor let me know that was great for me to come along and that she supports no matter what I decide. However she said some of the things that life has said to me during our sessions is the most hurtful things that she has ever heard someone say sitting on that couch. That was a bit of an eye-opener.

It's been about a week since our big blow up. We've been avoiding each other and taking turns being with the kids. I seem to bounce between excitement for what the future could bring Kama our relationship possibly with someone that actually values me as an equal partner. But then I bounce to sadness. I'm sad for the kids. They're young. I post this with tears but they won't know what is like have their mom and dad together. To be shipped between houses because at least we both want a strong part of our kids lives. Then I become fearful. Fearful because I don't have a lot of friends and I don't know how to make more. I have social anxiety. They're not crippling but I definitely relied on my wife in social situations. I'm not quite sure how to go about things without her.

I've been avoiding the conversation of how to proceed with divorce. We briefly discussed mediation as we both want to try to remain amicable for the sake of the kids. I have a very hard time talking about it. I've been avoiding it mostly because I don't think I'm ready to come to terms with this new reality. I feel like I know what needs to be done but I'm too scared to do it. When a counselor tells you you are a victim if not physical, but emotional abuse, the relationship isn't right. And I don't know that there's anything I could do or could have done to fix it.