I have been trying to step back and let this affair play out. I recently signed up for the gym. been trying to get a bit more social and see other people. I still get caught occasionally fighting about our M sometimes. I do try to step back though. She has alot of resentment and loves to demonize me.
Lately the house and the seperation agreement has been the main focus around our house. The appraisal came in way higher than either one of us thought for the house. So she was worried she won't be able to buy me out. Which in one way It upset me about the kids having to relocate, in abother way I was happy because she has to relocate. Now it seems she thinks she can still buy me out or buy the house outright. Which if she can its a fast way for me to get out of this emotional abusive enviroment. I'm just worried if things don't really change for her then the OM moves in after I'm gone and she will be cake eating for the next however many years. I am feeling vengeful lately and angry. I'm not even wanting to save this marriage anymore, I just want her to pay at this point. Not sure if that will change or I'm just emotional. I figure our seperation agreement will be done in the next month or so. I'm bracing for the realization that I will be moving out soon. I will get my kids 50/50 and I will have some equity from her buying me out or us selling the home. So I have to look at the idea I'm getting a fresh start to do whatever I want. In some ways thats exciting. I just hate leaving when I feel like her cheating on me, demonizing, rewriting our history, lying and all the things she has been doing really get under my skin, and I want peace with it all. I want to be right and vindicated more than anything. I know thats asking alot and I just wish this was a bad dream. I seem to keep pushing her buttons so I figure hope is lost at this point.
I know I'm just rambling verbal diarrhea at this point. The DR book should be showing up today. That will take my focus off all the crap going on for a bit. I'm anxious and angry and just need to get out of here and get some peace, so that I can heal and move on in my life. It's really hard under the same roof.
I have a IC session on thurs. I need to ask about my D bday. Last night my D said she wanted OM S at her Party, which will be in June. She said she loved him. She is turning 4 and OM S is 7. I later phoned W and siad I didn't want OM coming to her Bday party or His S, I think that would be disrespectful to me and our family. She basically siad of so your taking it out on the kids. She also figured I'd be out of the house by then anyways. I told her she is way too optomistic about how fast the L will get this agreement done and us agreeing to everything. Guess we will see. I'm actually dreading my D bday party at this point.
Where did it all go wrong?ugh
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
