I agree with Blu! I am in the same funk as you. We need to stop thinking about the R. Assume it is over and move forward with the focus on you and your kids. Not an easy task but it can be accomplished!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Let me ask for some further advice. It feels like the pattern goes like this, I go black, get some decent detachment going, then she uses the kids to initiate conversation again, and in a couple days she hits me with a 2x4 of her own. I knew this one was coming, but it still happened.
How do I break out of this pattern?
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
You cannot break her side of the pattern, because you have no control over how she will react or what she will do. Read about codependency, because this is an example of that.
The good news is that you CAN control everything that you say and do. You also get to control how much you react to her 2*4s. If you are struggling with detachment, than think of these 3 scenarios and how you would react:
1. Conflict with neighbor over same ol BS day in and day out, so predicable, but never changes. 2. Conflict with your boss, who you like & respect, but tends to get pushy & emotional over small things. 3. Conflict with W and she is venting that you haven't done X, Y, and Z enough.
My guess is that each person and situation evokes a different feeling and response in you. You have no control over any of them and how they are approaching you. But, you have complete control over what you say, how much reaction they get from you, your tone of voice, how much energy you give them, etc, etc.
So don't react to W. Know in advanced how you would like to respond to her--think, imagine, feel--what that look likes. When she approaches you, remain calm and respond the way you have already planned. Can you do that?
In life we teach everyone we meet how we deserve to be treated. -Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Blu.. You make it sound so easy... I too need to run the scenarios through my head.. But it's hard to think of everything these crazies can through at you.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
That's true. My H did and said some ridiculous cr-p when he was in the fog. It's almost laughable now! And he easily got a rise out of me! But with practice and preparation, comes improvement! It is also a part of detachment, to take back the control of our own emotions. They don't deserve that power. These situations are so emotionally fueled on both ends, that we can't just run on automatic. Calm, consistent, firm boundaries, and then move along, that's the goal to strive for--like with that neighbor or boss that does not control your emotions and you know it is better to just keep the peace.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I think you are telling me to use the fact that I am aware of the pattern to my advantage by being ready for it rather than trying to stop something that I can't stop. That makes very good sense to me.
thanks Craig
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
I feel like there is some control factors playing into effect here. She doesn't want to be with me, but she doesn't want to lose control of me either. Last night she called me asking about taxes. She started picking, and then brought up S15 biodad. At which point I felt my temper rising. I said to her, hey, I am going to let you go, we can discuss this more later. She became really upset and said I don't get to just get off the phone with her because I get mad. I thought to myself, interesting, actually I think being separated means exactly that!
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
Proud of myself, yesterday I just dropped off May Day baskets for the kids at the door without going in or using it as an excuse to see W. Sucked not seeing the kids, but in the past I would have used it as a reason to stop in and see her.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
Proud of myself, yesterday I just dropped off May Day baskets for the kids at the door without going in or using it as an excuse to see W. Sucked not seeing the kids, but in the past I would have used it as a reason to stop in and see her.
Great! And glad that you identified that you were doing that. Baby steps. Keep at it!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
