Wife files D after I confronted her 2nd EA (4)

[CWOL]

In terms of your situation and your wife's anger, you have pitted yourself as her adversary. She wants to separate, and you have been steadfast for reconciliation.

Do you see how that pits you as someone who is telling her "no", setting yourself up as someone she needs to get away from?

A WAS will not stop running until the LBS stops chasing.

In this case you may need to use some "relationship Judo" and lean into it. Enthusiastically embrace the separation. Help her move her stuff out. Act like its the best idea she ever had.

What do you think she would think if you did that?

If she felt you were on board with her decision, how would that impact her feelings of guilt?

How would that impact her feelings of resentment?

How does it feel when someone gives you what you want graciously?

Acc

Accuray,

Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about. I was following the advice of the "other site" to the T but it was NOT working. Nicing my wife had the reverse effect. When I did nice things or things she complained I wasn't doing before, she said I was being "fake." The more I tried, the more upset she was.

When I reported that to that forum, however, the people there blasted my efforts and said that I wasn't doing it right, or enough. Only one person actually told me I should let her go, because she's living in this fantasy and the fog is not going to lift unless she leaves. So then I found this forum and it says exactly the opposite. I have since adopted the DB methodology and tried as much to detach myself as possible. Instead of working against her I gave her money to help her move out. But her L's maneuvers prevented that from happening for two months, so it wasn't until last weekend that she was finally out.

It's actually a lot easier said than done, though. Even though I was encouraging her to move out, I'm not sure how "eager" I may have seemed. Deep inside I was still angry and sad about it, but I was playing "as if" the whole time. I asked her cheerfully after I gave her the temporary separation funds when she was going to move out. She did it over the course of a week, slowly loading her stuff into her car and doing it all by herself.

So now I've had very limited contact with her since she left, I can really put the DB process to the test. I've only been reacting to her contacts and so far it's very limited. We will see how this works out...