Ups and Downs (III)

[Fogg]

Not caught up on your thread JujuB but it's on my list to read, I just don't get on the site that often. Emotions have a strange way of cycling around so no matter what it is don't beat yourself up, it's all normal. Experience whatever it is just dont stay stuck in it. It's a long process and takes time, much of the it won't make sense why you still feel the way you do. What's most important is you're doing what you need to do for your twins and being the best mother you possibly can be. Your kids will benefit from that and even with the terrible circumstances of a D they have you to ground them and help them heal.

[JujuB]

Hey fogg, we are actually friends!

I still like posting on forums because of the journaling aspect! Slow pace, and time it allows me to absorb and reread and reread. Of course I lied about certain logistics as well.

I have been beating my self up a lot less and am in what I believe is a true detachment... Not mad at husband, and I don't care if he is with other woman. I just want to live my life at this point. Have been reflecting on our relationship in a detached way as well. Although I do feel bad for what my son will be missing. I am also preparing for the upcoming frusturations of navigating through the legal process. Not looking forward to that.

Love your signature message! Will catch up soon.

J

[Fogg]

Yes I know Just trying to respect those logistics and wanted to learn more about the sitch. Have a few other people I still want to catch up with also.

Journaling is great, very important so keep doing it where ever it works best. I use friends for mine and a notebook journal next to bed. Sometimes here, others are still very useful in helping us work through our thoughts and giving us different perspectives.

Things will all work out, just need to keep a positive mind. Even the anxiety over the legal process, its more in our head. Our minds generally make it worse than it actually is and even if it is worse we are more than capable if handling it.

Keep believing that you are walking out the other side more than ok and you can accomplish anything.

[JujuB]

Thanks fogg

Sometimes I go off in panic mode regarding the upcoming legal process, and then I tell myself...hey it's not like I have much to lose. I know exactly who to see whenever there is a medical issue, but feel so lost regarding legal issues. I know no one in this field and I have no reason to trust attorney.

Glad to hear that it wasn't as bad as expected.

Kind of feels like that big inevitable exam that is coming up, that you just don't want to study for or take. once it's over life can move forward.

Only bad thing is my life is kind of on hold. I have some career opportunitities and not sure what to do. One involves niche field in my area of interest,and a little bit of a risk, but other would have super flexible hours (necessary for single mom) , contribute to my pension and basically would give me skill set that would ensure that I would never have difficulty finding employment. Not so interesting though.

how long does it actually take to be divorced? It seems like it's so lengthy of a process in other peoples situations. We have separate assets, and are in a no fault state so I would guess quicker.

[Painter]

My advise would be to go for the job that is a wise choice for your immediate future. The second job sounds to me like the best choice for the situation you are in right now (flexibility, security, and marketable skills). I think you should act as if you are by yourself, and not put life or decisions on hold for the M's sake.

Also, you know that H wanted you to work, so win-win, right?

What do you mean you have no reason to trust L - do you have a reason to distrust your L?

[JujuB]

Husband just texted to let me know he set up mediator appt.

I hate him.

[Vanilla]

Children slow down the D process.

Not the children themselves but the provisions for them.

V

[JujuB]

Painter..my lawyer charges over 500 dollars/ hr. Husband would have to pay decent amount of that if it went through litigation. Of course lawyer wants to litigate. Would he give me advise that would make mediation unsuccessful? I don't know. It would be in his best interest to do so. It's not like we are friends or family. I suspect it would be the same with any attorney, no?

I feel like I have to ration out my consults (like you would ration water walking through the dessert). Just our initial consultation cost me 1 grand!
We don't have a lot in assets and my husband has kept his finances and savings a secret.

In this area I could probably find an attorney for about 350/ hr but the one I have was recommended. I know no one else and would just be going off of Google and instinct. I know how Important it is to have a good lawyer.

We have some appts to consult with mediators at this point. I will not do anything without attorney advise though.

[JulieH]

So my son had a meeting with a social worker at school. Tonight he asked me "when are you and daddy not going to be married anymore? ". And then he said to me "you will always be my mommy and daddy will always be my daddy" and then asked me

"can you get another daddy so I can have one that lives with me?"

This made me sick...

Obviously I feel horrible that my son will not have a traditional family to model. Especially hard for me because in my life it's always been about family. I will feel even worse if/when husband does move to other state. I am so dissapointed in my husbands selfishness regarding son.

I know it's also every future man in my life's worst possible nightmare. That I would be trying to get a father for my son. That they would have to take care of another mans child. But to hear my son ask for that was heart breaking... I wish my STBX could hear that.

I am also well aware of the " market value" the single mom has. I have heard stories about guys dating them and then down the line (probably when the sex loses its excitement) Using the excuse that they are not looking to take on that responsibility.

I feel vulnerable in this role as a single mother. I never expected it for me and I feel my son deserved so much more.

I know I am looking at this with a lot of pessimism. I know that all men are not like that. But I am realistic too.

[Ralph88]

My D5 told my W after W was being mean to her that daddy is going to get a new W that will treat her nice. Supposedly that bothered W for a day. Anyways, guessing that was before PA got to far. My D5 is a daddy's girl and isn't real happy with situation and has commented a few times about W being on phone too much when she is there and wants to live with Daddy all the time. At least that's what she says when she is here. Lol