You won't give up, because your 1 and 3 year old children need their father. Do not worry about her text. You be the father you need to be, and she can blow all the smoke she wants.
I know how challenging this is, and I know that those children need you, so please acknowledge your feelings of hopelessness, but let them pass. Then put your focus on the needs of the little ones. Do what you need to to meet those needs. And then focus on making yourself the best father, man and future husband that only a fool would walk way from.
Be kind to yourself this evening and find something that will make you smile. It really does help chase the negative feelings away for a bit.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
You are right, I won't give up, but man, that was a hard one. It seems like when I think things are starting to go better, she does something that just takes the wind out of my sails.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
cRW, this hurts and I will not minimize that pain.
5 minutes is a long time for a drop-off, where wounds are fresh.
what if next time you drop them off, you have somewhere to go so that you can't linger...not because she will notice or any of that crap, but because YOU ACTUALLY HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO and you are looking forward to it.
make it short and sweet. drop kids. kissed and daddy loves you, gotta run. if there is something to discuss...better be pressing otherwise a follow up note would suffice...no need to linger.
so your goal for today is figure out what and where and maybe with whom you are going ton do something next time the kids get dropped off...what do you say???
What was funny is, that was my goal going into it, drop the kids, and go. It is hard when D3 is literally clinging to me. I had to pry her hands off me to leave finally.
We did just talk on the phone, and agreed that maybe a 'picking up' strategy would work better than a 'dropping off' strategy. The kids seem to have separation anxiety from the parent who leaves.
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
At least you're good at GAL and 180. I suck at detachment, GAL, affirmations, boundaries and 180. I keep working on it, but old habits are hard to change.
I am sorry. This is so hard. This was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life; I had to interact with H often as well because we have kids too. I was watching everything important to me slip away and I felt powerless. It's a fear and pain like no other. I read here often, and while it made sense, I struggled to apply it to my everyday life.
I am reading all your posts. And I am going to hit you with some 2*4s, not because I am a jerk (well maybe a little bit), but because I care! I am also telling you what I needed to hear when H was gone for that year. I could GAL all day long, but I could not detach and thus was chronically anxious and depressed.
So here you go: what you are doing is not working. Not at all. It's not working because you are not getting results--she feels smothered by you, frustrated, and she wants more space/time. I think you are trying to look at this process and evaluate it week by week and at times day by day. I also think you are DB in hopes that she will notice. So right now she holds all the power in this R. It is incredibly unbalanced and damaging to your sense of self worth.
I think it's time to take a GIANT STEP back. Do whatever you need to detach. Continue to put your kids first (even if she has an opinion on that--too bad, her problem), continue to do your 180s and GAL, keep thinking about how you can live in the moment and feel good about where you are at . Even if it is in baby steps. But most importantly, you have got to stop trying to analyze her every move.
It is this focus on her that is smothering her and frustrating her. People's intuitions are very strong--she feels this from you. So take focus/control off of her and really, really take your life back here. Maybe over the next several months she will second guess herself and come back. Maybe in a year. Maybe never. But you have got to stop torturing yourself. And it won't work.
I know you deserve better. And your kids need you right now; the strong and confident you.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
