Wife files D after I confronted her 2nd EA (4)

[Accuray]

One factor to be aware of: this is stressful on your W also. By being the one to leave, she is setting herself up as "the bad guy" and that is a difficult place to be.

What you will sometimes see, therefore, is a driving need to validate their decision. They will be mean and nasty and will try to bait you into bad behavior. If you react, they say to themselves "See? Nothing has changed, I'm making the right choice"

They will also spend considerable energy pushing you away because they need to embrace their new reality.

The best thing you can do is to be compassionate and do your very best to place your focus elsewhere. Try not to play the role she's trying to write for you to validate her decision.

Finally, regarding S11, I went to a child and family therapist before telling our kids that XW was moving out.

The therapist said that regardless of what's going on between you, the best thing you can do for the kids is to present it as a mutual agreement: "We have decided that we can no longer live together. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or that we don't love you. You didn't do anything to cause this, and more importantly we want you to know there's nothing you can do about it."

She said that the last sentence is the most important, because kids will sometimes campaign to try to get you back together and will feel like they're failing if they can't.

She said you want to present the decision as mutual, even though it's obviously not, because you don't want to put your kids between the two of you. You don't want them to have to take sides, or to think one parent is "bad" and one is "good". They just need to feel loved and supported by both of you.

The therapist said that what you tell them when they're 21 is different from what you tell them when they're 11, and at 11 their emotional well being needs to be paramount, far above whatever hurts or conflicts either of you are feeling. It's much easier for them to process if you tell them you've agreed to go your separate ways.

Acc