Maybell XXXVIII: Settling In

[Maybell]

I wrote the note to the former in-laws and I didn't burst into flames. I deposited the check and it is now absorbed into my financial total and I don't have to think about how to use it at all. It's just there. I will likely have to see them on Memorial Day since they're coming up to visit Mr. Fantastic so I'm trying to set myself a goal of feeling neutral about them by then. To your point, Sunny, my relationship with his mom was generally quite strained till the last three years or so before he left. To the extent it improved, I had made a huge push to make it better. When he announced to the family that he was dumping me her response was relayed to me in a manner that made it seem like she was gloating, and then she sent me an email saying I'd always be her daughter-in-law -- at a time when it was not clear that we would be divorcing. She just assumed I was going to be discarded. There is more but what it comes down to is that with the marriage over, it is much harder for me to overlook the things about her that I found challenging, and those qualities are highlighted now that I'm not incented by a family relationship to turn a blind eye to them.

New Guy spent most of the weekend with me and the kids and he fit in nicely. We worked on a major yard project this weekend and it was nice to see how he brought out the best "boy" qualities in my sons as he directed the project. I've been trying to pace how we fit him into my family but he's moving in closer and all three kids seem really comfortable with him. i really love spending time with him. He is totally different from the guy i would have built for myself in a lot of ways, but significantly better than what I would have built for myself and I'm enjoying exploring that. I will say there are one or two things about him that concern me. There are a couple of tiny ways in which he reminds me slightly of my horrible college boyfriend. But then he undoes them in other ways. Because he's so different from Mr. Fantastic, who was chosen because of how different he was from the college bf, I don't know how to evaluate these things. I don't know what kind of longevity this relationship will have but for now it's good. I just hope nobody gets hurt because of it.

It's 2:40 am here as I wrote this and the reason I'm up and posting here is that I talked to my mother today. It had been about four weeks. Since they moved into their 55+ community I've found my parents hard to reach even before I went back to work and now that I'm working this challenging job the difficulty has just multiplied. They had a lot of travel for my brothers' kids birthdays to factor in too and I couldn't keep track of their schedule. I did call a few weeks ago but after two rings it went to voicemail and I didn't leave a message. A week later my mom sent me a text. This frustrated me a lot so I didn't respond. What am I going to say to my mother in a text?

So she called and I'm exhausted and honestly, I was feeling a little defensive too. She launched into a complaint about how some clothes we'd ordered together when she was up hadn't arrived and then asked "Did you get yours?" Angrily, like she expected I had. I hadn't and said so and mentioned that the consultant we'd worked with had expressed concern about her. She complained angrily a few more minutes and I validated and apologized and did everything else I could think of to fend her off. Then she said how I wasn't in contact with her enough and when I said I had called and it went to vm she said "well I didn't get a notification," as though I was lying. At this point I just wanted to change the tone of the whole interaction so I told her about our project. She was moderately interested. Didn't say anything about NG (who she met when she was up here) and asked how the kids were doing.

She's so, so frustrating to me. She spent all this time telling me how D13 is a good kid and I should remember that. (But last fall she criticized me for D13 acting entitled.) That she's sure I'm doing great because she's sure I am. (Yes, she used that circular logic; that wasn't an awkwardly edited sentence.) Said "don't you have some test coming up?" (This is a huge exam on par with the CPA) and said she was sure I would do great. But all of this was said in a rush. Like she was just trying to move me along because she didn't want to hear what I actually had to say. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I was surrounded by laundry, I feel like I'm failing at my job, I'm nowhere near prepared for the test, and my childcare is inadequate and she started telling me how everything is awesome and then how cute my brothers' kids are.

Then she told me I should text her now and then.

I find her useless to talk to. The most passionate she was in the whole conversation was when she was complaining her clothes hadn't come and when she was angry with me for not calling. (Note she didn't call me either.) the times I don't call her are when I'm struggling the most, because I can't muster the strength to pretend everything is awesome and I feel worse when I call her. I certainly don't want to send a text. It would be like a little drive by, yes I'm alive and everything is GREAT thing. I have many flaws but fakeness is one I try to avoid.

I have been feeling a little bit isolated lately. I haven't seen much of my friends because of the job and I'm feeling like those relationships are at risk. The job isn't going as well as I'd like and though I have confidence it will get there the journey is lonely and worrisome. I have a lot of anxiety about the relationship with NG that I didn't anticipate when I started seeing him and I don't feel like I communicate those clearly or have the right people to talk to about what exactly stresses me out. I did reach out to the therapist but I haven't heard back so I guess I have to add "keep looking" to my overwhelming to-do list.

I am worried that I will be as dissatisfying to my daughter when she is an adult as my mother is to me. The only hope I have is that my mother is so self-absorbed and has such awful listening skills that maybe I'll be moderately better with my child. But I worry that I've become too self-absorbed in consequence of all the anxiety I've been carrying. I haven't been the mother I want to be to my kids and it makes me sick. But I'm struggling so hard and I'm feeling weighed down by all my responsibilities.