Still more detachment, (less) anxiety and the joys of limbo

[Phoebe]

Thanks for the kind words, JujuB.

I really do appreciate what I have and I truly love my land and my family and my friends and my pets. Sometimes, though, all I feel is what I have lost. I keep hoping H will wake up and see what HE has lost, but right now all he seems to appreciate are the glittery new things in his life - new city, new apartment, new parties, new hobby, new and younger OW, new clothes, new friends, new social media existence with his own new little followers, new, new, new...

I'm just staid and steady old me, not glittery or new at all. After all this time, I'm old news.

I wish he would hit bottom, but he's too high right now. I would also be utterly ashamed of myself if I behaved like my H. He is a walking cliche of a MLC/WH, lying to every person in his life, and there is nothing to admire about that. Yuck.

Sometimes I think about our past issues and wonder if they were just a dress rehearsal for what he eventually did. How did I miss the signs of the real storm brewing and what could I have done differently? Again, it's not helpful right now, but these thoughts go through my head when I let down my guard. These are issues I'll be exploring with my grief counselor, though. The idea of "more, better, different" can keep us stuck in our grief.

SadHub, of course I tried the pencil smile!!!! I'll try anything right now if it might help. Besides, it a lot cheaper and easier than adding another doctor or therapist! Smiling again just thinking how silly I felt. I've got to go watch more of the videos you suggested.

Speaking of cheap therapy, I only did my mindfulness meditation once today, and I honestly can't remember if I did it yesterday. Oops. I am beyond scattered these days. I forget what I'm doing all day long. If I don't write it doen, then it may or may not have happened.

Bet you've got me on the run again in our little challenge.

I'm glad your D17 is feeling better and laughing again, and I hope you are, too. It's really the best medicine.