A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Hello all. Boy, I sure find myself drawn back to the boards to check on you guys. It became such a habit for me, but I do see it keeps me mentally from moving on much. Lou said it well in her post. I think in the beginning it is very necessary, but as you start letting go and moving on, it's good to keep your focus on other things. I am still here, just trying to live in MLC land less and less. Thank you all for your well wishes, I think of you all often and also hope the best for you.

So, I am still NC with H. Drop offs are quick. Today when he brought S home, I met them outside. No need for him to come in anymore, I am changing that routine. I also have not been able to say bye to H...I know, a bit childish, but I just don't feel like it....I give my love to S and off I go.

I have my first IC appointment next week. I am looking forward to talking some things out with her, I really hope it helps. I spent time out with friends this weekend and really enjoyed myself. I have plans made every weekend in May, so my GAL is in full swing. Friends asked about H yesterday, how he is, say they never talk to him. I just say, I really don't know but he seems ok. I always keep it short and no ill words. Simply, the H we all knew and loved was a good guy and I think we all know that deep down.

H remains "gone" in my mind. I have been holding onto hope that he would come back, but I am not seeing that happen right now and I must move on. I really do not like the guy I deal with today, he is nothing like the guy I fell for.

Who knows what the future holds, but right here and now, my H is gone and has been for a long time. I miss him dearly and it's hitting me a bit, accepting that. I went to a celebration of life yesterday, and felt I had so much in common with the family who lost a good man. It's time to really let him go and I have been living in that train of thought.

Today, thank you to Bttrfly idea, I wrote down H, birthdate, our marriage date and his name. I also wrote a beautiful tribute that I got from the ceremony yesterday. I burned the paper and said my goodbyes to H. It felt right and I feel ready. I wanted to share the tribute with you guys. I hope those of you who have reached this point of letting go find some comfort with it.

Dear husband,

I thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday
And days before that too
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name
All I have are memories
And your picture in a frame
Your memory is my keepsake
With which I'll never part
God has you in his keeping
I have you in my heart