Why don't you come to your senses?

[2Times2Many]

H and I spent the entire day together yesterday. He helped me with the gardens and a few other little chores and we did a ton of R talking ... initiated by him. There was good and bad and some insight into the MLC mind. This will be kind of long, I think.

He opened the door to R talk and I took the opportunity to tell him that I had been giving some serious thought to changing direction ... to leaving the business and getting a D. I told him it wasn't what I wanted to do in m heart, but my mind is telling me I need to change course. I said that this was not the kind of life that I wanted to live and added that I had hoped we would find our way back together, but I have come to the conclusion that he is never coming back and I need to move on and build a new life. I reiterated that it's not what I want to do, but my head is saying I need to do it. I added that I just wasn't sure what direction to take, where I wanted to go, etc. and I wasn't sure I was emotionally strong enough to go through that process yet.

There was a lot of discussion and he calmly listened and said he understood. He also said things like "I want to be free" and "The only reason I didn't want a D is for the business." He pretty much said he wanted a D now, but he wanted me to remain in the business and he wanted us to be friends. I pointed out that we are basically already doing that ... we just don't have the legal part done ... and it just isn't the kind of life I want.

He said we needed to spend some time figuring out the best way to do things ... that he wanted me to be happy and I deserved to be happy. I left it at I had a lot to think about and I just wanted to be sure that whatever direction I take is the right direction for me and not harmful to either of us.

He said he'd tried to find romantic feelings for me and they just weren't there ... that he cared deeply for me but it wasn't in a romantic way. I just said I understood. He said he wished it could be different and we could rekindle that. I just said I understood, but pointed out very gently that it's difficult to rekindle feelings with so much time and distance between us. He agreed.

My impression is that on one hand he wants things to basically stay the same as they are, only now he wants a legal D that really doesn't change a thing. I'll get to the other hand later.

The second thing that was expected but still hurtful is he told me he's involved with a 2nd OW. Although that stung, for some strange reason I don't see her as a threat. We didn't really talk about her or that sitch (I think it came up one other time when I asked if she knew he was married ... yes.), but based on other things he said, I get the gut feeling that he's seeing her more out of wanting female companionship and sex than actually being "in love" like the first OW. It just felt like she was "something to do." Just a vibe I picked up on. Maybe I'm looking through rose colored glasses??

I did get the chance to plant a couple of seeds about her. H said at one point he would completely understand if I got involved with another man and if that made me happy he would be glad. I replied that it would be easy to think he did it, so it's okay for me to do it, too, but I just couldn't do it and explained that it had nothing to do with him and that it was more to do with me.

It was here I planted a couple of seeds. I told him I would be wary of any man who wanted to get involved with me given all the baggage I'm carrying and I also worry that some men might see my lifestyle, where I live, etc and think "cha-ching!" (I'm by no means "rich," but I am comfortable enough.)

That was about all that was said that was painful to hear.

He told me numerous times that he regretted the way he treated me, that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, that I didn't do anything wrong, that he hated the way he has treated me, that none of this was my fault. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore ... that he'd already hurt me way too much ... and he wanted me to be happy.

He said he had f'd everything up and he didn't think there was any way to rebuild after that. He said he didn't think I would ever be able to forgive him.

I replied that was a question I had asked myself often and the answer has always been that if he wanted to come back and sincerely try to R that I could forgive him. I told him that to be perfectly honest, I had been forgiving him all along.

I said I had also done things I regret and didn't know if he could forgive those and he said he knew what I was talking about (not keeping his A secret), had really put myself in his shoes and he had already forgiven that. That led to a brief discussion about forgiving one's self.

He said our M had been so wonderful that he didn't think he could ever find that kind of love, devotion, happiness, etc with anyone else. He said the bar had been set so high he didn't think anyone could rise to it, but if he never found it again, he would be satisfied with knowing that he had experienced that kind of love in his life.

I said I agreed. I said that M is dead, but I have always felt and still do somewhere deep in my soul that there was enough of a foundation, given the depth of our R, to build a new R on but that was something we would both have to want and work for. I said I had hoped for a long time that he would decide to try, but I have accepted that he just has no interest in that. He said he thought the same way and wished he felt differently about me. He talked a little about the logic vs heart, but wasn't really clear about how those things influenced his thinking.

So, that's the second hand. There seems to be a tremendous amount of guilt and regret. He said over and over how much he regretted what he had done. There also seems to be a yearning to get back what he has lost but he seems to have convinced himself that he messed things up and this is his new lot in life by his own doing. He seemed to think that the door was closed.

I did my best to be comforting and compassionate without coming across as pursuing. I wanted him to know that the door is not closed but it was up to him to walk through it and I was prepared to move on with my life if he chose not to.

So, a little insight into the MCL mind ...

H said that during the 1st A, a lot of people kept asking him what the heck was he doing - more because of the girl he got involved with than the cheating. He said our assistant was all over him about the whole thing. He said he didn't know why he did it. He said he couldn't explain it ... that it just happened. He seemed very frustrated by that - by not being able to understand why he did it.

I asked him if moving there was something he had been planning to do before he actually made it happen. He said he didn't plan it at all and had no intention of leaving me or living over there in the beginning. He said his only intention was the project we were trying to start. Leaving me and living there just evolved. There was no plan.

We talked a little about depression and he said one day he was so down that he got in his car and started driving. His destination was hours and hours away. He wanted to just go away where no one knew where he was and get lost to the world. He said he drove about 3 hours before he decided to turn around and go back.

Finally, he walked into the family room and noticed some pretty obvious changes I had made years ago. He said .. you did so-and-so. I told him I had done it a couple of years ago when I repainted. He said he never noticed until now.

At the end of the day, during and after dinner we were going down memory lane and remembering some of the crazy stuff we did in the beginning. We were both laughing A LOT.

Before leaving, he did the dishes and refused to let me help. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said he really enjoyed the day. He thanked me for my "forgiveness."

When he got back to his place, he sent a text thanking me for a wonderful day.

My mind is still spinning trying to sort all this out, but I thought there were some things in there that could be of benefit to those trying to understand their MLCer.