Yes, her texting me at 2am to tell me where she is, and then only coming home at 5:30am tells me that she is conflicted. She can see what the right thing to do is, she then does it, but afterwards still goes on and does the wrong thing.
I don't see her staying out late as a "wrong" thing. It's a choice that she's made. Let her make her own choices while you make your own choices.
Originally Posted By: DDJ
I liken it to a debate her and I had between BD 1 and 2. She argued with me that there are 2 apples (when there is in fact one); I see a green one and she sees that it is red, then i need to respect that she sees it as red. I then argue but if the apple is a granny smith and the world knows that its green, then it cant be red. She says that then we have to agree to disagree.
This is what we're dealing with now, with our WW/WHs. The family unit is a green apple, but no matter what we do, they only want to see a red apple. Only they can change their perspective and see it for what it really is. It is our duty to show (and tell) them how great that green apple looks, in the hope that they might take a bite and be renewed.
Maybe the apple really is red and you're the only one that is seeing green. It's no one's duty to convince someone that what they are seeing isn't correct. Isn't that the opposite of validating?
Originally Posted By: DDJ
So if/when i'm laying awake at 5am again tomorrow morning waiting for my WW to return, at least i have the solace of knowing that its her perspective to want to be out. Not mine.
I openly talk to her about wandering, which encompasses selfishness, stubbornness and rebellion. I point out her constant instragram updates, her vibrator, her drinking, her coming in late. Also pointing out my own wandering issues to help her understand both sides.
I think that's what i'm doing differently to what the forum recommends. If i dont say anything and just let things be, then i'm implicitly approving of it... "he's not saying anything so then i can continue" would be her mindset. Thats like allowing a drug addict to sleep in the bed next to you, going about your day and hoping that they wake from their high. NOT GOING TO WORK, fast enough.
How about if you don't say anything and let things be, you're letting her be in control of her life? Letting her make her own choices and be responsible for the consequences? Letting her be her own person? And then, she has a chance to realize what SHE is doing in her life/relationships. Because until she's able to be fully in control of her life, she is simply reacting to your attempts to control her and she can easily blame YOU for the reason she's made the choices she is making.
When you give up the control, you detach.
Let her do what she is going to do. Instead, figure out what you're going to do. What can you do to make yourself a better partner/person?
