Since you have laid the deal breakers out for him, then you will need to follow thru, i.e., no ifs, ands or buts. Stick to them. As for the ow, he needs to send her a text that states the relationship is over and that he no longer wants anything to do w/her and that he will working on his marriage. He will need to be transparent in all things, texts, emails, calls, etc. He can't waffle on the no contact w/the ow...it has to be done and cut off completely. Of course, she's not going to take this lightly and will continue to text and/or call him to try to wear him down...but if he's sincere in wanting to make things work, he will need to go NC w/her as much as possible. It may be a bit difficult if she works w/him, but it can be done.
I know you were angry, but do not leave your home again. If anything, go to another room. After all, you aren't the one that isn't in the marriage 100%.
I'm sorry the situation escalated, but maybe this will clear the air a bit and he'll finally realize what he could stand to lose if he continues down the path w/the ow.
Now that you've said what needed to be said, step back and allow him to work on himself. He's not ready to see a counselor, so I would continue going myself...but in time, both of you will need to go together to resolve those issues that weren't completely resolved years ago.
Keep the focus on you and your girls for now. Give him and his issues over to the man upstairs for a bit. He's got a lot to think about.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
