Wife wants to separate at end of school year # 2

[Vanilla]

One is to do that which works. Always. Start with 180S and work with those until they prove they are ineffective.

For instance withdrawing when that is the thing that damaged your R is more of the same, and isn't a 180. That's not pursuit or R talk. Being friendly showing interest would be a 180.

I think of the 37 as guidance (rules if you will) not commandments. In each sitch some are more important to work. They can be different for each one.

If a spouse complains that you are distant, cold and lacking empathy AND you agree then NC or LRT would not be a great strategy. It's more of the same.

If your spouse wants more cooperation and communication to be involved in decisions then living a single life and no longer talking is more of the same.

Do that which works start with a 180 on your current actions.

On the other hand if your behaviour is a smothering codependency, checking tracking and spying then some detached distance is a 180.

If your spouses genuine concerns are lack of family involvement then authentic involvement would be good.

If your spouse LL is physical touch and you kick them to a spare bedroom that isn't a 180. If it's lack of sex that's an issue going LRT isn't going to resolve that.

If it's drinking, golf over absorbing hobby then doing more of that for GAL isn't a 180.

If you have let yourself go and are a hot mess then address that.

All of this is modified if your spouse is wayward too.

Sandi guidelines are from the waywards perspective that which entices back and makes the way home smooth.

The overall goal is to DB for you, to do that which works for you. And if your R resolves itself that shift is permanent.

In my own sitch being a doormat and taking abuse required a 180, standing up for myself made the abuse worse. That 180 made it worse, created escalation.


Then I tried validation and STFU plus walk away which made me seem cold, that 180 was tough one and didn't work either.

Then I set reasonable boundaries and only reacted if the abuse breached those, it calmed. That didn't work completely but my world was calmer.

Finally when I was strong enough I set a very firm boundary I will no longer be abused. Zero tolerance. Every time I responded calmly with firm statements. That worked.

So it's about that which works, knowing your 180 and acting as if sometimes for yourself.

I measured myself against Sandi guidance, what I did was often counter intuitive and it still fitted the guidance.

I see the guidance as the action plan, take each one and analyse how you can use it within the context of a 180 for yourself.

For instance no R talks, ok if you are distant can you do a 180 by communication and not talking about R? If you constantly talk R a 180 is obvious isn't it?

Or looking after yourself has not been a priority, you slob, wear sweats all the time, sofa surf etc. Can you change that? Suppose the opposite is true you spend all the family resources on new clothes, luxury cars and eating out, can you change that?

These are my thoughts and outlook, my philosophy on it.

Hope this helps

I will drift to your thread to post.

V