Not so stuck anymore

[Raine]

Hey all. I thought I’d post an update of what’s going on.

So H has been gone now for 6 weeks or so. Living with roommates, on a blow up mattress. He hasn’t gotten the extra bed we have or really much of anything. All he has taken is a bunch of clothes and some toiletries.

Three weeks ago he left for a business trip. He spent a week on business and then he took at week and a half vacation to go spend time with his family. I thought that was a good thing. I’ve wanted him to go spend time with his family for awhile now, thinking it would help him. But he was so up in his head about telling me this a few months ago. He was going to move out rather than tell me he was leaving on this trip. Yeah, I don’t get it either. I also don’t get the point of moving out for 2 weeks, and then going on a 2.5 week trip. Honestly I don’t think I get any of this. I’m working on not trying to get it

Okay so…this trip…as his plan was landing, there was a problem with the landing, and all he could think to do was turn on his phone and call me. He thought that was the end. It was all fine, but at least I’m still his last call…right? He went out a few days before he needed to be there for the business, to adjust to the time and also do some sightseeing. He started texting me a lot while he was gone. Things like this:
“Thousand years is playing here and it’s making me miss you miss you.”

“All I wanted today was to be with you. I wanted to be all these places with you. It was strange to feel that way, with everything going on, but that’s how it is. All I did all day today was talk about you.”

“I freaking miss you. That’s all today was for me. Just missing the sh-t out of you. It’s been a damn long time since I had those strong feelings for you. And I want to be straight with you always.”

“You do matter. You matter so much. You can’t fix me. I can fix me. I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted that.”

“Thank you for everything. Everything. I love my boys, and everything amazing about them is you.”

I never said I missed him or anything else back like that. The longer the trip went on, the less he was saying things like that. Maybe because I wasn’t reciprocating it, or who knows.

I took the older boys to a therapist appointment the week before he got home. The therapist was incredibly puzzled. He has never had a situation like this before. He was confused by it. So it’s pretty difficult to try to explain things to the boys, who can’t figure out what is wrong with Dad. My oldest told the therapist, “My dad is the happiest person in the world.”

H and I talked a little bit while he was with his family. There was something he brought up again, and I don’t think I have ever talked about it here, because I didn’t realize how big of a thing this was to him until he had moved back home in 2013. This is something that he has brought up so many times since then, and when he brought it up again a few weeks ago, that’s when I looked up the timelines of things…and it was kind of scary how things fit.

In 2012 a man (let’s call him Chris) in our neighborhood committed suicide. I was friends with his wife. Not close friends, but she and I would go to dinner with the same group of neighborhood ladies. It was quite shocking. This man was known as being so caring and would do anything for anyone. Always there to help. They had 4 kids.

H was not close to Chris at all. I don’t think H had even talked to him before. But it came out that Chris had been suffering from depression for a very long time, and he was on and off his pills, going off the pills himself, without doctor monitoring. I think there was a lot of arguing going on with his wife, difficult for his wife to deal with I’m sure. He was sleeping downstairs. They got into an argument early one evening and he went into the garage and hung himself. His 16 year old son found him. They’re not sure if he intended to, because he left no note. It was very sporadic, and seemed like a test or scare the way he did it.

H brought up Chris again while he was on his trip. And as we were talking, I looked up the date of the Chris’s passing. It was exactly a year before H BD the first time and left. That was such a surprise and such an “ah ha” moment all at the same time. I told H that Chris died exactly 1 year before he left the first time, and was such a clarifying realization for him too.

H said he is starting to work out timelines and whys in his head and that seems to be such a big piece of it to him. Stuff was messed up before that, but he said at Chris’ funeral is when he hugged his two best friends from that neighborhood and neither of them wanted to let the other go. First time they had done that. H said that ever since the funeral that whenever he sees these two friends, they always hug. Just this thing of never knowing when it will be the last time they see each other.

Even though one of those friends has left the neighborhood too, and even though H was all behind us moving, I know he had a very hard time moving away from those two guys, even though we only moved a mile away. H says he doesn’t like this neighborhood, but he never gave anyone a chance either.

I had always thought his MLC had more to do with some other things, with other friend’s divorce. With the death of a much closer friend’s 4 year old the month before BD. And H said, no, those things were hard, but they didn’t affect him like Chris’ suicide. It’s Chris that he has thought about a lot ever since then. Part of that is some regrets that he wish he had knew him, he admire him because of the way people talked about him after. He wishes he had known what he was going through so he could have tried to be there for him, could have at least tried to stop it. I think he felt a total connection to this person he didn’t know, because he could relate to him.

My own guess is this is why H will not take medication for depression. He will say it’s because of his dad, but my gut tells me it’s because of Chris and the fear that it won’t help and he’ll never be able to get off of them and trying to get off of the pills would kill him.

When H got back from his trip, he came straight here. He wanted to shower, do his laundry, see the kids, etc. And then he left when the kids went to bed. It felt like a closure for me. I had my answer. The next day I wrote him an email and told him he wants out, so he is out. He can’t pick and chose what he wants from this household, taking everything that benefits him, and leave the rest. I told him he can’t shower here, do his laundry, or anything else. I told him when he has the boys, then he takes them the full time, overnight, the full weekend. I told him that he never asked me if I was okay with him living with roommates and me having the kids 24/7. I said, no I’m not okay with it. I told him don’t think he is doing me any favors by saving money, by living with roommates, because he isn’t. I said he needs to get his own place now.

He acknowledged he got the email, but never responded to any of it. He hasn’t come by to shower or do laundry this week and says that he will respect my boundaries. When he came after work on Thursday (his day) he wanted to take the boys for sushi. He asked me at least 6 times to come with them, say he would love it, the boys would love it if I went with them. Telling the kids, “we’re just waiting on mom to get her shoes so she can come with us,” stuff like that. I said no, I’m okay, but thanks for asking. He then was going to take them somewhere else and asked if he could drop the youngest off, and I said, I would prefer he didn’t. And he said okay.

The therapist wanted H to bring the boys this last week, and he did. He called me up later that day and talked to me for nearly an hour about therapy and some work stuff. Saying the therapist was impressed with how both of us were handling things, how we’re both focused on the boys and making things the best we can for them. He says this is all very unusual for him in every way. He typically deals with a lot of fighting parents who say a lot of nasty things in front of the kids about the other parent. A lot of bitter and angry people.

So that’s where we are at. He has stopped trying to hug me every time he sees me now, not since I sent him the email. I told him if he wants to talk to the kids before bed, to call the house phone and not my phone. I doubt he has looked at apartments. He was over here today at 9am until the kids went to bed at night. I just kept to myself, worked on things. I don’t know what more I can do to just move on. I don’t feel like I’m waiting for him wake up and make amends. I feel like I’m trying to get through the landscaping and other things with the house and work that I’m dealing with now. I’m hoping that he will get his own place and we can have a schedule where he actually takes the kids. Divorce is something I’m looking into and the way to go about it, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten with it.