Hi Blu, Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. I just went through all of your posts and now know how much you have grown and are now helping us! thank you. For starters, in a way I am feeling stronger every day. I do go for hours and hours without thinking about him! But also, I am living in our house, with photos of us in the house etc. and I have a ritual - I light a candle in front of our wedding photo and say a prayer in front of a card he once wrote me that is very beautiful - to the continual reawakening of joy, love, acceptance and heart. Then I go about my day. If I sleep well, I'm grounded, I meditate, I walk, I take care of myself, and I am ok. Some days if I don't sleep enough it's harder, but I just do not take anything I think seriously, put on a Marianne Williamson video from youtube and fill my brain with the good stuff about love and forgiveness and growth. I am absolutely clear on what I need to be doing for myself. This is not new behavior on my part, it was just exacerbated in past year...the more I felt down on myself for not finding a better job and making more money, combined with allowing my codependent behaviors to run my life and therefore make me a fearful, over caretaking, husband-pleasing, conflict avoiding automaton, the worse things got in my soul. We were still having some fun, hanging out together, listening to music, going on hikes, etc. it was not a situation where we were constantly fighting or arguing etc. Still a lot of cuddling, endearments with each other etc. A few days before the big fight that led to his leaving he had sent me some super sweet messages. It wasn't like we were on the road to hell! I know from the note he left me the day after the fight that he thinks I brought out the worst in him. I think he freaked himself out with allowing his anger to erupt. I tend to be the one who takes responsibility for everything while he is the blamer. In the note he said he can't live with this sort of stress 'for the rest of his life.' A bit dramatic! To me none of this is either of our 'faults' it is the end result of a dynamic that wasn't working but in the past we figured it out. For the past couple years I've felt a sense of guilt for not being true to myself by letting some creative dreams fall by the wayside as I was stuck in this codependent loop where I think subconsciously that I have to 'do' things - cooking etc. to get love. This is from my childhood growing up in the chaos with my alcoholic mother. This was my coping mechanism. I am working with my therapist to unearth all this and bring it to light to be healed. I am rambling! The biggest challenge is to detach ...and if that means giving up hope, well, don't feel like I am there yet! Like you I feel in my heart, in my intuition, that this will work out and we'll be together. Since I have only sporadic email communication with him now, I have little opportunity, thankfully, to focus on him or what he said or did, since I don't know what he's doing! of course I miss him a lot. I look in my closet and it's filled with all the thoughtful gifts he's given me over the years - he is a fabulous gift giver. Then it's hard to not feel like a loser, that I screwed this all up. But I know that's not true. I see this as an opportunity to be on my healing journey, and hopefully, and eventually, a healing journey for our M. I have a lot of work to do. I've lived alone a lot in my life. I've lived in foreign countries alone. I am very strong in many ways. My preference would be to to have this 'crisis' be a period where we both become stronger and more whole people. and then come back together. but I can only control my bit! thank you so much and you are an amazing person! it was very helpful what you said about your husband feeling guilty. not that I want my H to feel bad/guilty, but it's a reminder that he is most likely confused and sad. at least he isn't having an affair, that's something.
