At first glance, it appears you have a WAH. But its strange that he's come around so quickly. Its possible that he really isn't "done" and was maybe just having a bad day and over reacted to your fight. On the other hand "I'm done" is some pretty strong language and doesn't leave much room for interpretation. So I'm going to comment as if he truly is a WAH and what you might should be doing if he is I do see a few red flags. First of all, you are clearly NOT detached. I strongly believe that is the most important thing you need to accomplish and you need to do it first. Its imperative. You are hanging on his every word and action. That has to stop and you need to focus on yourself. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and see what you need to work on. What can you 180? How can you GAL. All of this is important. The next thing is your self admitted codependency issues. You must address that. At a bear minimum, you need to get and read CoDependent No More. What about CODA? Do you have that in your area. Codependency is not good for you, for your H or your MR. That has to be addressed. You haven't "fixed" yourself in just a few short weeks. You've only begun to make the changes you need to make so don't expect him to be seeing the brand new LandC so quickly. Change is hard and takes a lot of effort. Its very strange to me that someone who is "done" is ready to come back so quickly. I've gone from BD to piecing in just 4 short months. That is LIGHT SPEED. These things never turn around that quickly. No two situations are the same but I'm concerned that he is wanting to just walk back into your life after saying he was done a few weeks ago. I also concerned by his comment about wanting to be "friends." You don't want a friend. You want your H. The question is why does he really want to come back? Is it because he's tired of staying with friends or is it because he truly wants to work on the R? I don't know. Only you can figure that out. It just all seems very odd to me after making such a strong stand on the R. I don't think you should be moving to the guest house. I think you should be staying in the MRB. Let him stay in the guest house unless you have a good reason for that arrangement.
Hi LandC,
I am sorry for what you are going through! We are here for you. I have been there and my H has been back for a year now. It is still hard work. So what I will say is that all of this takes a very long time--from separating, to DBing, to breaking codependency, to finding yourself, to both people wanting to reconcile, and then there is piecing--and each step can take many months to years.
I quoted Lim here because almost everything he wrote, I have been thinking as a read your sitch as well! DB is not about proving to your H that you have changed and he should come back, it is about true detachment and self growth. That can only come with taking a giant step back, focussing on yourself and your needs aside from him, and then with time.
So if I may, I would encourage you to try and really, really look at your life and find strength without him. Do you really want to be friends with him? Are you really okay with him deciding to just come back after he has hurt you like this? I think you also deserve someone that knows how to treat you better than that. Perhaps he could use some space & time for self growth as well. There is always more time.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
