New to this. Is it really MLC or just an affair?

[Lone77]

I just had 2 lovely days away with some of our oldest friends, they were our maid of honour and best man when we married. H hasn't seen them. Our BM contacted him and they met once, early on before H had actually moved out. That's been it since, BM has tried calling and sent some messages but H has turned his back on them too, in a weird way I take comfort from this as it just seems to be more evidence that this wasn't just about me and just about the OW/PA.

It was lovely to get away. I've found that H is treating our D so badly that I'm trying to compensate and be 2 parents in 1. Whilst we all do it and it's human nature, I've been doing this at the expense of myself and for the first time in my entire life I'm actually thinking of me every now and then. D is struggling with this unfortunately, she's 18 and will be leaving for university in the coming months but ages understandably struggling with how H is acting (not seeing her then being horrible and cold when she sees him) that she's looking to me to fill the gap. I've really done all I can both emotionally and financially and if I don't stop and put myself first I'm going to burn out and be no use to her.

Since H visited 5 weeks ago now and was crying and telling me about kidding me, hurting, will compare everyone to me, will always wonder what if, remembers the real me etc, he's gone quiet again save for the email the evening after his visit. There have been social media posts of him and the OW and a very out of character birthday message for the OW's friend's baby. H never did things like this, he barely remembered family birthdays and it looks almost like desperation to fit in with his new friends who are half his age.

I feel that I'm turning very cold towards him these last few days and my memories of us are not the happy ones I longed for and missed, they're more a reality check and realising how much I was taken for granted and never viewed as being as important as him. I only feel at the minute that my hurt comes from my lifestyle loss rather than H himself. I even looked at pictures I had on my phone and didn't even think that he was as good looking as I used to think. I noticed that his ears stuck out more than I remembered and just little imperfections in someone I thought was so amazingly gorgeous. It's as though his behaviour has distorted his physical appearance.

I feel disgusted by how he's treating D and whilst I had sympathy and understanding at first I just think he's selfish and pathetic now.

It may just be a phase, I may be crying and missing him again tomorrow but right now he's not someone I feel I know, like or love

[Lone77]

Ok so somewhat of a development, H 'text' to tell me that he's 'recently found out that I am expecting a child later this year'. Yes done by text but then the end of 21 years was also find via this method.
He told our D (18) the same night although she was with me when I received the text and so knew before she met him. D is devastated, mortified, embarrassed and a whole host of other emotions. She said H switched back and forth during the convo between being matter of fact about it, referring to his 'new life' and whether she still wanted a relationship with him. The next minute she said that he was actually sobbing with lip quivering the lot, saying how he wished he could change things and turn back the clock!
This for me is the end of DBing, I will not take on any part with someone else's child.
I've not cried, I'm not upset, I'm angry and I half expected it. They'd have been together for 3 months when she conceived! He's 40 with no home of his own currently (I'm still living in ours with D), already has a D who is 18, is still married and can't start divorce proceedings for another 18 months himself as he cannot cite the 2 reasons needed and I question how well they know one another in such a short time when they're not full time co habiting.
H is selfish with or w/o MLC tendencies and we'd agreed we didn't want more children as we enjoyed our financial stability and travelled a lot and ate in some of the best places and had the best of everything. Financially he will obviously see a huge impact and that's now my main concern, enduring my D and I are covered as far as possible now that this additional financial strain for him has developed.
When he did the ILYBNILWY he was in search of something exciting, he wanted freedom and a carefree existence. He wanted to know if there was more to life than what we had and now he's just recreating the whole situation but with the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment and obviously with my D trying to cling on for any little bit that he's willing to share with her. She still barely sees him and he texts sporadically.
I actually pity him, even if he's showing excitement or happiness at the news, I suspect that deep down there is a part of him that will be devastated. He loved that we'd been young parents and now he's starting again almost 2 decades on.
I sent him an email the night he text me. I've set out some financial requirements and I told him that this would be the last contact I had with him and have asked that he does not contact me again, save for any financial reasons.
Whilst I was prepared to try and work at things and had stepped out of the picture in the hope he would one day wish to reconcile, I cannot forgive this and I will not have any further involvement with him save for any practicalities of division of assets and then milestones with my D when I will have to see him.
D has made it clear to him that she will have no involvement with his new child nor the OW.
In a weird way this has given me closure. Whilst I wasn't sat here waiting and have a very active and fulfilling life anyway I was still in a limbo land where he was concerned, I was standing in the hope he'd return one day but never knowing how it would turn out. This clarifies that and makes the situation final and one I can propel myself forward from.
He has eventually transferred a sizeable number of the shares that were held in his name to me so this gives me some peace of mind and I'm financially secure.
I believe that he will live to regret his decision still, whether he can build a relationship with my D again who knows but I know that he and I will never be together again. I'm comfortable with that and whilst this time last year I wouldn't have wanted it I'm in a good place and capable of dealing with the situation. I will make the rest of my life the best of my life. While he's changing nappies, having sleepless nights and preparing feeds, I will be living life to the max. In a weird way the freedom and excitement he sought has now been handed to me and he's even more bogged down than he previously was.
I'll come out on top and I'll pull my D through with me

[Sotto]

Hi Lone, oh my goodness I'm sorry to read that. It must have been such a shock and it sounds like he has been pretty distressed about it too. What is happening to you is something I have always felt for me would be a deal breaker too. I doubt H would bother telling me direct and when I see my SS, I always feel a little anxiety that he will drop this news on me, expecting I already know.

Wanting a new family was the key reason (H told me) that he decided to file for D. He told me he loves me, I'm beautiful and have been the best wife ever (or of the two so far presumably??) But he knows he wants a new family now. He's 46 and OW is 29.

I can think of a couple of sitches where there has been a pregnancy with the OP - NDY and his W in newcomers and also Mighty in MLC. I know for NDY, there was a sense of closure and he seemed to be able to move on better knowing his W was expecting. There is such a 'lifetime' feel when there comes to be a child in the mix. It's a huge thing.

I also worked with a woman whose H got OW pregnant. They D'd and last I heard from her, she was happily dipping a toe into the dating pool a couple of years post D. Life goes on ultimately and we work through the pain and challenge.

That said, I have also known sitches where OW's have faked a pregnancy to keep the WAH close

It sounds as though the news has helped you in a way - awful though it is, it can help bring some closure and end limbo. I'm sad for your D though...that's tough for her too.

Take care and keep posting, even if you have decided to move on xx

[Lone77]

Hi Sotto. Thank you for your kind words.

Whilst I am someone who is generally forgiven and H compliments me on this, I too have boundaries. This is beyond even my capabilities to forgive.

Whilst H is clearly no longer the person I knew, if there is still any part of the old him left inside he cannot be truly happy about this, especially so early on. I suspect this will change the honeymoon period for them. I'm sure that for him a lot of this was about a new and very active physical relationship, a pregnancy generally changes that dynamic fairly swiftly.

I know there are people who still decide to work beyond this but I'm not one. I would not be prepared to have the rest of my life affected by this and find myself having more restrictions and less financial freedom than I had with my own D.

This will be a shock to H. I did everything for and with our D when he just concentrated on himself. He was good at the play part of parenthood but that was about it. Times have changed however and I imagine the OW will expect a greater contribution from him. I imagine that his lucrative part time sporting hobby will have to end as this involves him being away most weekends for at least 1 night and 2 days.

I can't speculate as to whether this was a joint decision by them, a careless mistake or a well considered arrangement by the OW. Personally I don't think I'd want to be in that sitch with someone still married after such a short period of time. She managed not to fall pregnant with her previous partner who she was with for 8 years I understand however after 3 months of being with H this has happened. I can't help but wonder if this was thought out. H has a well paid job and we hold fairly significant assets, I hate thinking bad of people, even the OW but I can't help but think this is a meal ticket.

My D is the person this will hit the hardest. She's always been the only one and liked that. Now not only does she barely see H anyway she feels she's being replaced and will know that he's now living with this child daily and investing all his time, energy, focus and love on the new child that she so desperately craves.

What baffles me in all of this and I know enough having read all that I have that their actions are anything but logical but why come here a few weeks back crying as he did, telling me about always comparing everyone to me and to us etc then his email about wanting to hold me and never let me go, having to get to a place where he can say goodbye but not being ready to etc. How laughable when I imagine he already knew of the pregnancy.

I don't know what this now means financially for D and I and that's my biggest concern. She's meant to be starting university in September although with H having dropped this bomb 4 weeks before her exams start who knows if she'll manage to get the grades she needs. I just wish he'd have spared a thought for her even for a minute given what she's already gone through. He could have at least allowed her to get through the exams but that's him all over.

I am fighting against being bitter but it's difficult with such selfish actions. I think my peace will come from knowing that he's ruined what he so desperately wanted, that freedom and carefree life. He'll now have the responsibility he ran from for another 19 or so years. For me with a grown daughter at the age of 38 I'm free to do what I want. He'll now be 60 by the time he regains the freedom he currently has. By that time the OW will still only be 44 but how well will be then be able to keep up the pace?

Anyway, that's a worry for him rather than me, I've enough worries and responsibility that he's left me to deal with single handedly including D, the house and the dogs. I don't have any capacity to deal with any more worries on his behalf.

I'll keep you all updated as his sitch develops.