Good morning mustardseed, thank youbfir sharing the article.
I am so glad you have learned to recognize what had been happening for years. It is a sad state when we see thst the person that we loved was just a mask.
I have always seen you as brave and strong at core.
V
Thank you for that V. I continue to work on me--becoming someone with core values that aren't swayed by other people's opinions.
I am learning. I no longer quit at the first sign of trouble. I no longer let myself be shadowed by others. I no longer let my confidence be shaken by someone else's words. Things are getting better.
I've been GALing like a champ...and the optimism that comes with it has taken over. Until today, when I had some down time and the reality of my aloneness was overwhelming. I'm on vacation and I have plans tonight but waiting for tonight to come has been difficult. It's the first day that I had nothing planned, and the plan was to take a day to focus on the home and enjoy the solitude. I didn't do too well with that.
I cleaned, I cooked, I pampered myself. And I realized it when I was done I realized it wasn't even noon yet. And that's when it hit me. Sometimes I guess we just have to feel the loss and let it wash over us. I miss the family and life I thought I had. I really miss having people to cook for and clean for every day. I miss longing for a few minutes of me time. Because now me time is becoming too much of the norm. I miss my garden. I miss my neighbors. I miss my dog. I miss being full time mom.
So I cried today. And I let myself feel the loss. It has been a while since I allowed for that. I've been keeping myself busy--and it helps, but sometimes I think it might be avoidance. The d is starting to move forward and I am grateful for that, but that doesn't mean that i have to be happy and positive about it all the time. I'm allowed to feel the loss.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
He added a new car to the ins a few weeks ago--I am still paying that. My payment is nearly doubled for the next two months and I wasn't planning on that. I went overboard with my GAL spending for April and there are a few things--birthdays and celebrations--that I need to plan for, for May but I will have a stunted check mid month because of vacation. And I need to budget for a cushion to get me through the summer just in case I can't find summer work.
I'm feeling a little bit scared again. I really hope I start to get some fin support from him soon. How on Earth did he manage to be the one who has everything when he was the one who wanted to leave it all? He keeps the home with the subsidized rent. He still has all of my stuff. I had to get a place at market value and stock it up with all stuff I already own but have no access to because he is hording it. I am stuck paying the car ins bill and he just goes ahead and adds a new car to it. He isn't even paying his L. Who knows if the household bills are even being paid now that I'm not there to pay them. But somehow he always gets out of paying for things. Yet he will be Mr generous when it comes to gifts. Once he threw me a birthday party but paid for it all on my credit card (my paid in full every month credit card) he told me hed give me the money the next time he got paid to pay it off but he never did. When summer came around and I stopped getting a paycheck I couldn't pay the minimum and ended up defaulting. He got all of the kudos for being mr generous husband and I had my credit score take a huge hit and got stuck with a balance plus interest it took me years to take care of.
That is who he is. And who I was back then, the wife who was so taken by his "generosity" and forgave the financial mishap because hey, it's the thought that counts. F that!! I always thought he was just so adorably financially clueless--but now I see it is deliberate and manipulative. He will pay for things that when he can get props for it, but all of the mundane, lets keep the electricity on and make sure we have heat and our car is insured type of bills always get neglected and fell on me. Or he would play the "poor us" card and get someone to bail us out. But he never would pay anyone back. He'd work out some deals. Somehow he got away with never paying back loans, avoiding those we owed and then running into them years later and somehow all debts are forgiven.
I never really thought about it until this week when I was discussing his patterns with people. Even though it seemed like he had a sudden MLC and just went crazy, the patterns were there all along. I just happened to be on his good side where I was blinded by his charm.
I am feeling awfully bitter today. Fear will do that. This D can't come soon enough. Deep breaths. Focus on today. Take on tomorrow when it is time for that. And, yes, perhaps it is time to tone down the GAL until the fins are back under control. I just have to deal with the aloneness for a while.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Lots of waves. Most of them are the good catchable kind, but my inexperience makes me fear them almost as much as the bad kind. I am still looking for validation in all of the decisions I make in regards to each wave. I still need an instructor to advise, guide me into the wave, and provide feedback when I get to shore. I am hearing that I am doing well. I am still self-critical. Standing on shore after a wave has carried, wondering if I am still standing. And when I realize I am ok, I start to feel the thrill of the wave I just rode.
I am learning to take care. To not get caught up in the fear. To allow myself to act, but don't cross over into reacting. To open my mouth when I need to, but remembering to close it before things go too far. I am replaying things, thinking of things I wish I said and wish I did. But I am realizing that I am much better off wishing I said more, than regretting that I said too much.
I am learning. Progress is happening and it is scary because it is change, but that doesn't mean it is bad or wrong. It just means I need to trust that I can handle it, because I have already handled a lot of things I never thought I could. And I still have the support I need when my confidence gets shaken. The sharks are losing their power over me. The waves are mine to ride. Now I just need to believe that I have this!
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I love your posts and your writing. I love seeing your growth and progress and reading such poetic words of wisdom. Your eyes are open now so handling things will have to get easier!
Mustard seed just read your sich and wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your journey so far. I don't have much in the way of advice but wanted to say you inspire me to be stronger so that I can come through to the other side of this forced journey that we all seem to have to take.
My heart goes out to you. Take care and please keep writing.
Me 40 W 35 Kids 2 S6 D3 T 10 yrs M 8yrs BD 11Mar16
Know this, despite the loss now, you customers your losses.
Despite having a fin issue today, the final issue tomorrow would have been greater.
With the entitlement that goes with systematic abuse there is fin abuse. Fin abuse is damaging of course and I can say this to you it's only money. Those who have been abused can only live but one day at a time.
When you get your things back you may find that largely you have outgrown most of it. There will be lost treasures of course to delight you, but largely you have moved on. These things are of moment, you are brave and strong and can grow through this.
The important thing is that you can not be triggered by WH, if he fails to pay his bills then his circus his monkeys.
Let go completely and let it all unfold, stand strong for Msd and her children. Know you are inspiring and one of my supports here on this journey.
Hugs and much love
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Let go completely and let it all unfold, stand strong for Msd and her children. Know you are inspiring and one of my supports here on this journey.
Hugs and much love
V
That underlined part is the part I am struggling with right now. I am trying very hard to stay detached. The more empowered I feel the easier it is for me to slip into TRYING TO DRIVE THE BUS mode. Trying to ride the waves I have no business riding. And that makes me vulnerable.
Had a bit of a slip today. Nothing too bad, but I got a tad bit defensive when he pulled a passive aggressive move and comment all because I couldn't accommodate his schedule to make his "single daddom" easier. And my reason for not being able to accommodate was a work situations that would have cost me $$. Also, he is refusing to negotiate a custody schedule which is really the only roadblock left in the divorce, yet he expects me to constantly rush in to help when being a single parent is too hard for him. All the while creating this public persona of him being superdad with lazy exwife. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. But I think a lot of that might be in my head.
Yesterday I did accommodate him and lost $100 to do it. Then he had the nerve to play the "I just don't know what to do about this...?" poor him card.
First I was trying to be the solution to his problem. Then I realized how resentful it made me feel to be rearranging my life and losing money, because he refuses to rearrange his so instead I gave him suggestions. He sort of took one of my suggestions but in a way that made me look neglectful because a dad reaching out for help from an aquaintance who doesn't know what our deal is comes across as "poor single dad needs assistance" but the mom that didn't do it is lazy and neglectful.
To top it all off I ran into the aquaintance after he told me she was doing it. So I thanked her for doing it, but again it really makes me look like such an ass--because she was helping him out by bring S from his game to his religion (even though they don't got to our church)--and there I am at the game--although I had to leave early to get to work. I just feel like I look like a careless mother because if I were the one calling the shots that is absolutely not the way I would have handled it, but it makes it look like I was on board.
I am probably just reading so much into everything. He is still playing games. he has been so super sweet this past week but that is only because he needs things. This would have been the second day in a row that I would have cancelled my client to accommodate his schedule. He should look like the ass not me. But this is me, once again, trying to orchestrate everyone's opinion of each of us. I have to just let that need go.... If I let it go it will all come to light in the end.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
