Well...good and bad about last night. I handed him our finances and we went over it. I did it basically tear free...a couple of slip ups.
I was matter of fact. I then told him I was going to inform my parents this weekend. I told him I couldn't leave them in the dark and I needed their support. H parents know and our parents are close friends...they need to hear it from me.
Then a bit of R talk (I know, I know...) and he told me he is very confused...doesn't want to be married but lately has been thinking of the kids and our family. H knows how I feel about D so I said that I think D is a final option and things have to be awful. Currently, our financial situation would result in both of us suffering if he leaves. I didn't say that to him, he kind of figured it out on his own.
I told him if he is going to stay then it would be nice if we were a family, whether he is happily married or not. He then held up his thumb and pointer finger about an inch apart and said "you have this much..." I told him to hold on to that inch of hope, confusion, etc...with every thread of his being. I told him I am handling all the burden of the house, kids, etc...he agreed and said I was doing a good job. I then started talking about working on things and then stopped because I just didn't want to get into it. I went to bed.
When H came to bed I was still awake so all I said was "Thank you for listening" and he said your welcome.
This morning when I woke him up he said good morning first. He then asked what my plans were for tonight because he has been out the last 3 Fridays in a row. I told him I wasn't sure. To be honest, part of me wants to go out and the other wants to pour myself a big drink, get in my pjs and veg on the couch. Both D's have sleepovers. H doesn't know that.
I then brought up ow (ugh!) and he again insisted they are just friends. I told him I haven't checked phone records because it is too hurtful to see (who is the liar now?!?) and what would I see if I looked. He said you would see calls, I am not hiding anything. I told him I feel their R is a threat to our marriage and he disagrees.
This weekend we have a party tomorrow at his parents and I told him if he didn't want me there I wouldn't be..he said I "can" go and we "can" go to the show we have tix to on Sun night. One thing I know about H is that "can" means "wants to" and "OK' means all is good and he is liking something. He doesn't get overly excited about anything.
So some backslides, more conversation than I have had in a while. He did tell me he didn't talk to me because he doesn't want me to think that because he is talking to me he wants to be married. What??
So now I sit with to tell or not tell my parents...believe him that he is holding on by a thread or blowing smoke. H did tell me the apartment was big but the neighborhood was not nice...I told him moving there from our house would be a downgrade but that is up to him.
Financially he knows where we stand. Emotionally he knows where I stand, I know how he feels. I was very careful not to tell him how to think, do, act. I told him that...he said he appreciated it.
