I'm looking for advice, I don't know if I should just move on or wait. I love my husband but I have know idea who this man is. He seems to hate me, we have been married for 29 years and he just acts like I don't exist.
Xmas 2014 he was very distant, did not buy gifts for anyone. He did not want to celebrate. For months, some times he was nice other times distant. He stayed home on our family vacation. He told us to go with out him and then he got mad we went.
June 2015 He said I don't want to live here anymore and left. 1 week later he came back saying he doesn't feel that way he cant figure out why he said that. so I took him back
September on our anniversary same thing he left this time for 2 weeks then came back again I took him back. He said he felt numb in side and thought he had something wrong with him.
October, I don't love you anymore. But I will stay because I'm obligated to. I said no you can go. And he left. I gave him a month and did not speak to him. When I reached out, he was a mean and cold person I didn't even recognize this person. He sent me nasty emails saying he could not be with me anymore because I paid his bills sometimes after the due date (ok). We have not spoken at all since.
Now we are in April. I have got a life, signed up for classes, I don't speak about him to anyone, I don't ask my kids about him. My daughter and I went away for a week and when I got home, he left nasty messages on the phone, this time he says I am keeping my daughter from him. He is also saying untrue and mean things about me. He did this when he first left. Is he maybe in a different stage now. We had a planned vacation and he knew that. I don't think there is another women, he works 18 hours a day but who knows.
Will this ever change, I would like my family back, but I don't know what to do.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
That sounds really hard. My first thought was depression or another medical issue.
I don't want to mess up your NC, but if the opportunity comes up to suggest a medical checkup to someone who does have contact with him, I might suggest that.
My husband is doing a much less extreme (so far) version of this, and I suspect depression and a mid-life crisis are contributing factors.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
One thing to remember is that a walk away spouse (WAS) will re-write history and come up with things to throw back at you that aren't true. As a left behind spouse LBS myself I know from my own example that this is true. What I try to tell myself is that what she is saying while we are both hurting isn't important and to not rise to the words.
Fortunately for me my wife is still in the house and we generally have a polite relationship although I think she has a lot of anger bottled up right now. I'm able to in other contexts and conversations - not while this is being thrown at me - mention for example that generally I "do" like her family (except her sister) and that I "do" like my job which are two of the things that she's thrown at me.
Keep strong and focus on yourself and D.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Reb, Cadet has given you a lot of homework as you are new here. Read it; it will help you more than you know. But I also urge you to read through some of the threads on the Midlife Crisis boards. Your H is exhibiting signs of mlc and, eventually, you may find yourself over there. It's a little different to DB, the concepts are the same. You will get much more traffic and advice here for the time being, however. Sorry you are having to find yourself here, but glad you did.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Sorry you are here but it is a great place to be. I'm not an expert and have no experience with MLC but that's what this sounds like to me. Maybe some other members will chime in. If it is MLC, it can take a LONG time get through the storm based on what I have read. Get the book, read it and start following the process. Post often and ask for help when you need it.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Thank you so much for your support, I have been reading a lot on this web site. So I have been doing everything that I have read. I am so detached I can't even look at him anymore. I did talk to him about going to seek help in the beginning of this but he says I'm the one with the problem.
Sadly, it isn't uncommon for the spouse that wants out of the marriage to rewrite history. It's not always best to go completely dark when there are children involved.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry you find yourself here. Read up on the homework, it helps to get insight. Does sound a little like my sitch, my h has tuned in and out I've had the ILYBINILWY speech a few times and inbetween that I have had "I obviously do love you". It's a rollercoaster and then some for sure. They will spew spew spew, re write history the lot. I know how painful it is, especially when you hear I don't think I've ever loved you etc. The first time my h snapped out of this I asked him why he said those things he said l he didn't mean them but "they seemed like the right thing to say at the time".
Best advise I can give is to keep a level head- come here and vent to us, but stay steady. It's nice to begin to see the switch of the person looking all upset to the confident person. And when it's you happy and contented, it doesn't half throw and intregue them.
We're here for you
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
