Weeding and watering

[mustardseed]

Lovely to hear from you Msd.

I have always seen you as brave and strong at core.

V

Thank you for that V. I continue to work on me--becoming someone with core values that aren't swayed by other people's opinions.

I am learning. I no longer quit at the first sign of trouble. I no longer let myself be shadowed by others. I no longer let my confidence be shaken by someone else's words. Things are getting better.

I've been GALing like a champ...and the optimism that comes with it has taken over. Until today, when I had some down time and the reality of my aloneness was overwhelming. I'm on vacation and I have plans tonight but waiting for tonight to come has been difficult. It's the first day that I had nothing planned, and the plan was to take a day to focus on the home and enjoy the solitude. I didn't do too well with that.

I cleaned, I cooked, I pampered myself. And I realized it when I was done I realized it wasn't even noon yet. And that's when it hit me. Sometimes I guess we just have to feel the loss and let it wash over us. I miss the family and life I thought I had. I really miss having people to cook for and clean for every day. I miss longing for a few minutes of me time. Because now me time is becoming too much of the norm. I miss my garden. I miss my neighbors. I miss my dog. I miss being full time mom.

So I cried today. And I let myself feel the loss. It has been a while since I allowed for that. I've been keeping myself busy--and it helps, but sometimes I think it might be avoidance. The d is starting to move forward and I am grateful for that, but that doesn't mean that i have to be happy and positive about it all the time. I'm allowed to feel the loss.