NYGal: A New Chapter and Hopeful!

[NYGal]

At some point, we need to forgive and learn to trust again. I'm not completely back to the trusting. The other night, when W called and said she was depressed and wanted to talk, I had an immediate fear overtake me. My chest hurt, my throat tightened. I was afraid she was going to say she changed her mind again and couldn't live without ow or something. I let her talk. I validated. It had little or nothing to do with ow. When she said what she had to say, I told her how I felt when she started the conversation. I told her that I felt better after we talked about it all. And I let her know that I had fear that she would slide back into something with ow. She reiterated in a firm voice that no, that's "done." I asked, "what if she starts calling and texting you again, do you have the resolve to resist it?" She said yes, that's done. Her willingness to keep talking about it helps me regain the trust.

So, I think when it comes to getting over a betrayal like an A, it's important to ask the questions we need answers to. It's ok not to be detached or pretend to be. It's good to be honest, and loving and kind.

I also believe it's really important to do the deep work it takes to feel strong enough about our own boundaries so that we know we can live without the person if they (or we) mess up again. (I can't say I'm there, but I keep working on my own growth, independence, and inner strength. Easier said than done,and much easier when the partner is wanting to reconcile. It's a continuing growth process.)

I haven't asked her to block ow or refuse to talk to her or anything like that. It's important to W that she feels it's her choice, and that she can do it on her own. She's trying to regain her strength and sense of integrity. So it's not appropriate for me to insist on absolute transparency at this point. If we actually do get back together, before that's even possible we will certainly talk about these issues some more. It's important for the wayward spouse to be willing to do what it takes to BE trustworthy. And it's important that we have the willingness to forgive. Forgiveness and trust require risk, but without risk we are fully alive.

There are plenty of sources out there on how to regain trust and how to forgive. It comes down to the fact that it's better for us if we can let go of that anger and hatred and find peace.

Again, I'm not there completely yet. I don't want to give a false impression. But I work on it all the time.