It is true, I do think through every action or possible action, and what she would think of it. And what actions I could do that would show her a change.
The group I am attending talks a lot about "fear". At first I thought it was silly, but I listened, took notes here and there. After a couple times I had an "oh oh" moment, and another and another. There were definitely issues I could deal with on my own. On the drive home many times I was crying so hard I could barely see the road.
I think it is the fear that drives the adrenaline, triggers our instincts, makes us anxious like we are afraid of a predator attacking us, makes us not able to sleep. The anxiety had me pacing so much I lost 40 lbs in the first 3 months.
I know that she wants space, and that seeing me causes a lot of fear in her. So I avoid her. I fear her! I can't talk to her either way, but would rather not go to my kids activities because she will be there. She sets it up so that I am not there, uses the kids to convey the message about what I can go to and when.
I definitely have a fear of being alone. But there is no solution. Even if I find someone else, they aren't going to be the mother of my kids. I don't want my kids to have to deal with step-parents, step-siblings. Christmas's forever being constant running around from one place to the next like I had to do with the W because her parents were D'd.
Meeting someone new... if they have kids, there's more places to go, more responsibility. Unless I find someone with no kids, doesn't want kids, has no family (orphan) or friends. That's IF I find someone at all, someone who matches me and my interests as well as W did. The criteria is so strict, she doesn't exist... or isn't single... or isn't interested in me. Feels so helpless to be single at my age.
That link/thread talks about control. And feeling safe... I had it all, great job, a back-up job lined up, very nice house, nice vehicles, toys everywhere you looked. And a spouse who was always there for me. It was incredibly safe. I had it all under control.
Did I take her for granted? After all, I DID rescue her, I DID provide an incredible life for her, I DID give her children, why would she ever leave me? 6 months since BD and I am still stuck in the "desperate for answers" stage of grieving, only step 1 of 7. I dabble in the other stages too, but can't get "out" of step 1. I don't understand. I feel I can't move on until I do.
Fear of being a good parent, that one is overwhelming. Fear that the kids will choose to spend more time with her because I am not as good of a parent? This fear drives me in 2 conflicting directions, sometimes I want full custody thinking the kids would be better off with me, sometimes I am tempted to completely back away. I voice only the middle ground and am trying to hold there. But inside I hope for her to fail, for the kids to resent her for keeping them from me, to resent her for the actions she took against me, and they will just migrate to me, someplace safe. Obviously not a healthy outlook! And not what is best for the kids.
Co-parenting with someone who did all this stuff to me, doesn't interest me at all. If she doesn't come crawling back begging for forgiveness, I feel no interest in ever talking to her again. Hopefully this feeling will pass.
Pretty much everything listed in that thread, is what I felt. One of the bigger ones, did I love my W. I spent too much time on that one, looking at pics, reminiscing in my head things we did, reading through the text messages between us, reliving arguments in my head. But everything made me miss the life more and more... well, except the arguments.
Fear that my actions appear controlling.... that's a fun one to tackle. Look up "controlling tendencies" and every item I am somewhat guilty of. I had to look up "the difference between controlling and loving" to find the real answers. I was guilty of a couple possibly, but a much shorter list. The world seems to have gotten so super sensitive to controlling that every word is viewed as controlling. Maybe not everyone will agree, but I see a M, especially with children, as a continuous compromise, not 2 free bird parents doing whatever they feel like in different directions. Not free will of spending whatever they want from joint money with no concern about the other. That is what you get when you get a D. But if I were to tell the W I'd like to see t he kids once in a while, or to stop spending money because it is GONE, I am controlling? If I give her an allowance (which I never did), then I would be even more controlling? What is the answer? Get a D? Pick a better spouse next time?
