A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Hello,

After the latest interaction with H, I realize, after almost 3 years, I am still the enemy in his mind. I am still to blame for his struggles of fathering S, I badmouth him to everyone including S, and I conspired to live in the house and keep the dog.

Crazy is no joke.

Enough is enough, I am tired of competing with that.

Once again, something clicked in me. I am totally shut down and very tired of this.

Today I had a consultation with a L. For $175 and an hour (the first 1/2 was free) I was able to get some clarification of what D will look like for me. She was wonderful and no doubt has my back. She told me true separation does not take place until one of us communicates with the other that we want a divorce. So, the clock is still ticking on marital benefits and I should not push H to say he wants D, or M timeline stops. All assets will be valued and split 50/50, she told me to stop pushing H about getting back only what I put into the boat and RV, she said keep those for value consideration. I told her I don't want anything but my home and out of this. She said I could be short changing myself and S future by thinking that way, and she is right. I could even negotiate the house in lieu of his retirement. She looked at our W2's and said right away his $1300 a month is not fair, he has paid no child support. At the end, she said I seem unsure of what to do and suggested I talk to an IC to help me to decide, and suggested I stop letting H do his cakeeating otherwise this will never change. I told her, I do this for S, he loves us all together. She said, but it's not real. Your S is not seeing affection or connection between you and H, is that the quality of life you want for you both??

She was impressive and gave me tons to think about. Bottom line, I should be fine financially and possibly able to keep the house or afford to rent one to keep S in his school with his friends. Those have been my biggest concerns.

Next step, I will set an appt with IC. That was actually already my plan. I am ready to talk things out with someone in preparation to end this situation. I want more for myself and my S. H is a bundle of negativity, he has been for a long time. I feel light, positive and happy, and no longer compatible with him. There is no longer a place in my world for him. My H died in August 2013. This man now no longer fits in my world, he is a stranger to me.

I have been NC with H and have no desire for any different.

So, we shall see how this plays out. I am not going to rush into anything, I am getting facts and information, guidance and advice, and listening as the answers are coming. One step at a time, slowly.