In a way I can't believe that I'm on my fourth thread already. Somehow I had hoped/imagined that things would have normalized a bit by now, but I was so naive when I first arrived here. Now I'm months into this misadventure, and a bit more, I don't know... realistic, I suppose?
Summary of my little drama:
H literally ran away from home, blocking my phone number, etc., on the night of our 20th wedding anniversary. I was blown away, never expected it, all the usual shock and awe. Life as I knew it imploded in an instant, taking with it so many of my hopes and dreams for the future. Was our life perfect before that? No. We had had a couple episodes that in hindsight should have been major alarm bells, but the previous year had been really good, and I thought we had made it through the rough patch. Nope.
For the first 3 months, H would only communicate by email, and all of that was hopeful, telling me his goal was to work on our M, loves me, etc.. I've seen him three times in person since walk-away date, and at the second visit I discovered and then he confessed being in a PA and told me he had rented an apartment. I had my hopes dashed and things have not gone well since. H has never really explained to me what happened. What he did do was start rehashing and trashing old memories when he tried to explain what he thought was wrong. What I've really taken away form this is a feeling of deep confusion. I don't understand what happened, really, or why.
Currently almost NC at all, except when I flake out and send him a super brief email, to which he will respond very quickly, but not with anything meaningful.
After the PA discovery, I pretty much tanked and fell apart in a lot of ways. I started reaching out like crazy, started on SSRIs, added a grief counselor to the mix, and continue to see my own psychologist. Those are all new things for me.
Are they helping? I guess I'd have to say that something is, because late last week, something shifted inside. I still can't quite explain it or say what's different, but things have been better. Part of it is the near-NC and part of it is the grief counselor. She's been really helpful in reframing my thought process. And finally, a big part of what is changing is finally just letting myself feel the way I feel, knowing that it is reactive and normal, allowing it to pass, and knowing, deep down, that I am not fundamentally broken. That's been tremendously helpful.
I want to thank everyone who has been keeping up with me. It has helped me so much to know that there are other people out there listening and supporting me. Know that your words have helped me so much.
So where are things right now?
Well, I saw a L in my current state already, and am seeing one in H's state on Friday. That means that I intend to drive out to our other house tomorrow (a 5 hour drive), and stay the night, get some of my stuff from the house, and see the L the next day. I won't risk seeing H or his AP (there is no reason for them to be there), so I intend to send him a text when I'm about an hour out, just telling him I will be there and that I would appreciate my space. I don't expect any issues.
So, here I am, fourth thread just beginning, still here in limbo, still dealing with anxiety and depression (but I want to say that they're both a fair bit better), and still trying very hard to learn detachment.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
