NOW what's wrong??? I'm doing everything I can...

[jenoftheisland]

I have been initiating ML with H faithfully in the past couple of weeks. I've been teasing, flirting, groping, ML in the middle of the day... even gave a BJ on the weekend... and that's a first since we were dating!!!

Problem now... he has not initiated... NOT EVEN ONCE!!! Why is that??? Do I now have to do all the work of planning, initiating and 'finishing'???

I get that he has been turned down a lot in the past, and that he feels a bit apprehensive about getting turned down now, but for heavens sake... we've 'done it' more in the past two weeks than in the past 6 months... what is he waiting for????

I'm starting to wonderif perhaps he's getting sort of 'tired' of this whole thing... is it possible? Does he want me to tell him its ok to initiate, that I won't turn him down no matter what? Because that's my plan... the first time he asks, he's getting the 'full Monty'! I'm just waiting for him to ASK!!!

Is it just too much? Too soon to think he's going to feel comfortable asking again? Is he getting off on me persuing him? Should I 'hold off' now...give him a chance to ask?

I know he's loving it ! I just don't know why he's not 'looking' for it!

Oh, and the other observation I wanted to make is for all the LDs out there:

Think about sex = feeling sexy = having sex = thinking about sex..... See the pattern? Since I've been thinking about it, I've actually found my desire is increasing, and that I feel sexy again! I'm planning to get some new ligerie for our trip this weekend (planned trip out of town for conference). I can't tell you how much thinking about sex has transfered into desire for sex! I always thought it had to be in the oposite direction!!!

So, go ahead... just start thinking sexy... can't hurt!

islandgirl

[DBrookie]

I'm learning the hard way that it does take time to get the ball rolling again?

You said this approach is something new. What happened before you started initiating? Did he ever initiate before? Was it always you? How did you initiate in the past? How did he initiate in the past.

A few more bits of info will help us out.

[grislen]

Jen,

It may take a little bit for him to start iniating it. I won't hurt for you to tell him that you won't turn him down. If you do tell him though you better stick with it. Until you are both very comfortable with the way things are going.

WOW im so jealous I want a W that is willing to work on this stuff. Its amazing how changing your thinking just a bit that it changes your body.

Lee

[DBrookie]

I'm guessing you were LD and now HD. Same situation as me. This is probably what your spouse is thinking:

- Who is this person?
- How do I know this isn't a temp change?
- Why couldn't you do this earlier/before?

My advice, and what I'm trying to do, is to keep on keepin' on. Whatever you do...don't stop initiating because it will look like this was a one time thing, and NOT what you really want.

Hey...unlike my sitch...at least you're not getting turned down now that you're HD. As unromantic as this sounds I also highly recommend the following:

Tell him exactly what you want. If you want to ML X times per week, then tell him you want to ML X times per week. If you want him to do X to you, then tell him you want him to do X to you. If you want to do X to them, then tell him you want to do X to him.

[CeMar]

islandgirl:

Strange as this may seem, when a couple increases the sexual frequency, it may increase the womens desire for sex whil actually causing the mans desire to decline! see the link How Frequency Effects Desire In Men and Women

Literally, practice make perfect for women. In theory, the more sex you have, the easier it will become to get aroused and be enjoyable, and the more you will desire sex. Toss in the fact that women have a greater capacity for sex, and your heading for nirvana. You need to find out how often your hubby wants sex, once week, twice a week, everyday, every third day, etc..

You are doing GREAT. Don't let down, you are being the PERFECT wife. You may actually find out that you really wanted sex more then you thought!

[newlywed1]

I once read a quote by a LD wife who later in life re-discovered her drive only to find out that her husband no longer had his . . . "I taught him well".

While I would certainly enjoy it if my wife acted like you are now, I would certainly not begin initiating it just becuase she seems to be in a groove. Old hurts are sometimes hard to forget. You're going to have to give him a while. After all, whose to say that he isn't thinking that his advances were what pushed you away in the first place? If he had stopped initiating some time back and now you suddenly seem to be a changed woman might he not think that his backing off caused the change? If so, why would he do a 180 now that things are clicking again?

Just a thought.

[NOPkins]

Hi, jen.

My wife and I have already been there.

Right now, he likely doesn't trust that the change is permanent. He is in a "wait and see" mode.

My wife told me the same thing. "If you ask, I won't turn you down". That didn't actually translate all that well to me. What about her actually wanting me rather than just servicing me. Even though she is unaware (maybe), she has turned me down several times - asleep on the couch at 8, scheduling way too much in a day, rejecting gropes intended to initiate.

On a positive note, she is trying. I do appreciate that. We are making progress.

So, what can you do?

1) Let him know you really like doing it with him.
2) Don't fake, be honest.
3) Do let him know that if he asks, you absolutely do want him.
4) Don't let sex be a chore. Adapt an attitude that says some like "this is the right thing to do right now. Making love with my husband is a good thing". Expressions of love are good for any relationship, why fall short of the mark?
5) Let the change in you become permanent. Changes that he needs to make can come a little later or at a point somewhere that doesn't look like a negotiation for services.

It will take time, but you will have to be consistent. He desperately wants to believe in you.

I don't know about your relationship, but I was turned down or she was unavailable for the better part of a decade. We reached the bottom over a period of 26 years. Two weeks is a good effort, but it is a short one. Try to make the change real for him.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[bolete]

Problem now... he has not initiated... NOT EVEN ONCE!!! Why is that??? Do I now have to do all the work of planning, initiating and 'finishing'???

I always read my own situation into anyone else's, but...it's hard to initiate, because every time I have initiated for the last 6 years, and the vast majority of times I have initiated for the last 18, I have been pushed away, and (1) it really hurt, and (2) she acted like I was hurting her in a significant way that I don't understand.

If *you* initiate, then it's safe for him to reciprocate. But does he know that he really has permission to initiate?

If I were you, I'd try something like: "OK, next time it's your turn. When you feel like you'd like to have sex, think of a fun way of initiating. I'll be waiting!" If my wife said that to me, that would be a lot more effective than any thong.

Now if you're teasing and flirting and he's waiting for you to push to the next step, it may be because we've all read how women like to take things slowly, one step at a time, warming up over the course of a few decades. So he may be letting you set the pace. If you don't want a slow, gradual buildup to gentle sex, help him know what you want. If you want him to take the initiative, say so. If you want him to (I can't bring myself to write it down here), say that too.

Jonathan

[heavyheart]

I agree with what the others are saying. He probably wants to initiate, but is scared to death of rejection to even try anything. When he thinks about initiating with you, his mind backtracks to the umpteenzillion times that you pushed him away. For me, initiating sex now with my LD hubby is almost a physical reaction, a nausea that sets in, at the very thought of making that fateful move on him.

You are doing the right thing by initiating, and just keep that up as the others have said. Don't try to push him to initiate. After a little while longer, if things are going well, you could maybe lovingly tell him something like, "It would make me feel very desirable if you were to initiate sex with me sometime." Maybe you could also set up a signal with him, like, "If I am wearing my red lace teddy that means I want you to initiate sex with me."

[now40]

it could also be habit. I have been told that wife is ready to 'let me have some'. She has initiated once, and i have initiated once. I really don't know how to initiate any more though..that disappeared years ago. I will start by giving some physical affection...but that is nothing different...usually it leads to nothing...so unless she then gives me some more indication, i can't 'push' without feeling like i'm trying to force myself upon her.