And on it goes

[Sotto]

Hi Mia, I'm sorry you had a difficult interaction with your H. As you know, H & I don't have kids together and so I haven't experienced the coparenting challenges that many on the forum struggle with. I'm blessed enough to be able to keep in touch with my SS, mostly as a result of his Mum's goodwill and support, for which I am grateful.

I'd like to offer a perspective here if I may - and feel free to discard if it isn't helpful!

Firstly, with the mediation appointment, did you understand that the ball was in your court to book an appointment with his mediator? You say he caught you out of the blue and on the hop and you lost your temper.

If you knew the ball was in your court, might it have been enough to simply say - yes I'm aware and I'll do that this week - thanks for the reminder. Or if you didn't know - to simply say - I hadn't understood that - thank you, I'll do that this week. If you can, might it help to think of him as a rather annoying colleague or neighbour that you need to liaise with and ideally be courteous to? Do you think your general level of anger about the situation spills over into any liaison with him and could you find other ways to release it?

In terms of the parents evening, I'm going to play devils advocate here. Did him booking his own appointments mean that he actually was being an idiot or a twit? Might he have felt that it could be awkward going together, given the recent tone of your interactions? Might he have been worried that some anger might seep into the teacher meetings? Might he have thought that, as you are now separated, it would be best to go to future parents evenings separately?

I'm not saying that I agree with his perspective (if he did think any of these things) but I could understand how he might feel, given all circumstances. My greatest worry when you describe exchanges like these is the potential impact on your kids if they become aware of the conflict surrounding them and a school event and whether they might feel they are potentially to blame in some way. Perhaps through overhearing a conversation or seeing your or his demeanour and knowing something is wrong.

Sometimes it helps to ask ourselves - what fear/insecurity in me was triggered as a result of his decision or actions? Normally that is what can lie behind our feelings of anger. Were you worried that others might see and potentially judge if you attended separately? Did you feel it was yet another nail in the coffin for your marriage if you each went to your own appointments? Often it can be useful to explore areas like these, which have been triggers for you.

I also think it's important we don't justify our angry treatment of someone because of their actions - eg: he was being an idiot so I lost my temper with him - as though one had to automatically follow the other. His actions are one thing and for him to own, your response is another thing and for you to own. The actions of others don't cause our responses because we always have choices about how we respond. The other thing it may help to think is - what am I hoping to achieve here and is my behaviour moving me towards or away from that? Even if you don't hope to leave the door open to a possible reconciliation (and perhaps you haven't yet decided?) there is still a coparenting relationship to support in these changed and challenging circumstances. At the moment, you still sound pretty reactive when he pushes your buttons, and ideally we want to get to a place where we can respond instead of react - even in provocative circumstances.

When I was reading your post, I thought of JujuB's thread in newcomers. She has a WAH and two young kids, and has felt/shown anger to her H. There have been some interesting debates on her thread and in recent posts, she seems to have turned the corner and reached a place of greater peace and acceptance. You may find it helpful to have a look at her thread perhaps?

I hope some of this helps and may provide some food for thought anyway. I don't intend to poke at you in any way with any of these suggestions, and truly I understand how challenging the circumstances are. We are all pretty much stripped raw by the stuff that happens, and it's brutal. However, I also think that directing anger at your H makes a bad situation worse and that the way forward and how we want to tone of our lives to be in future always lies with us.

Take care and I hope you have a better day today xx