Ups and Downs (III)

[Painter]

Painter,

I don't know if it will last or if it's just numbness but I really am not feeling any emotions regarding jealousy, anger, or affection for husband.

We have also not lived together for almost a year and prior he isolated himself to the basement for a year. So maybe it's the time and distance. We exchanged son yesterday and he was nice, in a good mood. Probably relieved to have made a decision. And that's fine because I no longer want him punished. I am just hoping that we can get along and coparent.

I think we were just two people that did not know how to make a relationship work. I have been thinking about it a lot. We had very different needs, we had different interests. When I married him my best friend talked to me about really considering it. Not because my husband is a bad guy, but she was concerned about compatibility. My mother also told me "you are day, he is night".

His love languages in order: service, presents, touch, verbal, time spent.
My love languages: time spent, verbal, touch, service, presents.

This caused so many problems. I nagged him to spend time and he hated my nagging and resented me for not keeping house hold organized. We had no physical intimacy.

Now that's not to say there were not good times. Or things i did not appreciate about him. I did. I would have did anything I could to work things out. But by the time I figured it out it was too late for him. I didn't think these issues were unsolvable but he did. I truly believed that we could have went to a good therapist, read and did exercises to improve the relationship, learned about the nature of relationships and the universal issues between husbands and wives so that we could understand them and learn to address them. He did not want to.

And I really have no choice but to accept it and move forward.

So I think my "numbness". Is just a way of emotionally accepting something I can't really change anyhow and using it to live my life.

Am hoping I can keep this going through the legal process.

Thank you always for posting.

My situation is so much more recent, and H and I were close until a few weeks before I left. I hope to find indifference soon. Tonight, I grieve and miss him. His unkind tone and demeanor makes it so much harder.

I wanted to comment on the counseling/tools bit. I asked H to go to counseling with me for years and years, from just a few years into the M. He wouldn't. I went by myself, to several different counselors, male and female. I read books and tried to do a variety of things. We had trouble from the start, for many reasons, but a main problem was H's rage. He now blames his rage on me, but he raged even more with his ex-wife, from what I heard both in person and from my stepkids.

Some people just aren't willing to adjust. I'm sure you could have done things differently, but your H might not have been willing to work with you and at some point you realize you can't do it by yourself. I spent 15 years trying and got nowhere.

There was only one period of time where I felt that H returned to the guy I knew before we married, it was when he joined a charitable men's organization that requires a high level of involvement and dedication. The strong focus on their values and goals really impacted him and he was such a nice person while it lasted.