I think that that initial statement was just to rile you up - make you hate her, as much as she hates herself for thinking of doing it. She needs you to hate her, she really does.
Well if she was looking for the opposite of what you are, then you should be relieved. My WWs OP is/was a black Nigerian male that plays soccer and speaks french. That is not me by a long-shot. A fantasy no doubt!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Today I picked the kids up from school and daycare. S7 asked a lot of questions about where I was, what I had been doing, who was I out with? I glad I read Sandi's comments on WW pumping their kids for information. This was very out of the norm for my kids, especially asking who I was with and who did I see...
I'd confront her with that, Si. Let her know that you see right through her attempts and stop this exploitation of the kids before it takes root.
I'd write her something very briefly and say, 'If you have questions about what I do and who I see, please ask me and don't use the kids to pump me for information. They should not be used as messengers or investigators.'
And I wouldn't worry one bit about how she reacts, as long as it stops.
I have myself been in the situation where a stepchild arrived with a camera in his backpack, courtesy of his mother, who wanted him to take pictures in our home and bring back to her. The camera was confiscated and delivered back to her with a clear message of what we thought of spying.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thanks Painter, I am going to wait till the next long break and see if I get the same. It's the first time and I will check if it was a one off, it was the "who were you with" questions that caught my attention. I just said I had been very busy and out with some friends. I did tell them I played hockey one day as he was happy to hear we won and I scored.
There are many reasons that women cheat. A guy could go nuts trying to figure it out. Even if she gives you a reason, it is probably not fully the truth. We are complex creatures and this is not a black and white issue. My W said she didn't want to burdon me with her family issues, and they had a lot in common in that area. Which I believe because we come from different backgrounds, but I also believe I wasn't (and still am not) "feeding her" correctly. I am trying but I have been in this M for 21 years and just realized my shortcomings in that area. Change is hard especially when there is no road map as to where change is needed. Just be patient with yourself, and hopefully she will be patient also.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
I am going to show some ignorance here by asking what is ​? I see it a lot in your posts and I don't know if it means to fill in the blank or something else.
Quote:
Sandi, in the selfish mindset, do they know they are playing games, temp checking etc or is it just their thoughts at the time. Like my email were you said she is pulling the guilt card. Now many times over the years my wife has given me the line 'I need to get to know you again', she just says it her expressing her feelings but I've always seen it as a guilt trip and trying to get me to prove myself over again. In he ealrier days I didn't think about it but now I see more and more little things like that. I know many times I put her first and that's probably one of the reasons I'm here now. I know women test men generally from time to time, how different is it when the mindset has become what we face now? .
Have you ever observed or dealt with a child (sometimes he/she may be an only child, but not necessarily) and this child was extremely selfish? Perhaps the parents would patiently try to teach the child to be kind and share his/her toys and play nicely with other children. However, the child had a selfish nature and as he/she grew the selfishiness grew, too. He/she would attempt various means to get what they wanted. If the parents tried to explain to the child that it was wrong to be selfish, or even try to get him/her to admit to being selfish.........he/she is not concerned about it. The child is only concerned about getting whatever he/she wants in that moment. I have seen parents practically hold a kid down just to get him/her to say, yes, it was selfish.......but his/her focus was totally on the object of his/her desires.
That is very similar to a wayward wife. Yes, she knows she is selfish, but she is focused on whatever it is that she wants in the moment. Being an adult, she will be more manipulative in getting what she wants. I have seen children use guilt on the parents.....just to get what they want. I have seen kids lie, make promises, blame others, and punish their parents for not giving in to what they want. I have seen them throw fits, try to hurt themselves, scream hateful words, cry uncontrollably, pout, refuse to eat, or some other emotional pressure to wear the parent down till they gave in to them. That is a kid who is either very spoiled, or they have a very selfish nature that drives them. Just imagine that kid being in the body of your WW, and you'll have it pretty close.
People show love in different ways. Some men like spoiling their W, in one form or another. Some men think they are showing love to spoil the W. I think it would be very rare if that W did not test him in some sort of fashion. However, she doesn't have to be spoiled at all, and she will test his manhood. I believe women will test their H to see if he is stronger than she. Maybe it has to do with our primal instincts in choosing a mate who is better able to take care of a W and the off-springs she bears, IDK. I just know we women want a H who is stronger than us. If the W can manipulate him, or if she can bully him and treat him like a doormat, and if she sees him being weak and dependent........she loses her respect and admiration for him.
When the waywardness takes over, she is driven by pure selfishness. And just like a kid, she is not focused on her selfish behavior, no matter how the H may try to get her to see what she's doing...........b/c she's focused on what she wants at that moment. At this point, she does not care that she's selfish, b/c in her mind she deserves what she desires. It is finally time for her to have whatever makes her happy!
Her disrespectful behavior and attitude toward her H becomes worse, when the waywardness takes over (so to speak). Almost every interaction with her H, (for some WW's), are tests. I think that is why a H is caught off guard, b/c he doesn't see that her good moods as well as the bad ones, her niceness, her emotional melt downs, or even cake eating as tests.
She has a bag of tricks, and he never knows what she'll pull out next. So, beware!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I think when I have copied and pasted something that 8203 thing has shown up. I don't know why and it's not meant to mean anything from me.
I was one to spoil my W with gifts and presents, I would buy her things mostly just because I wanted to but at times when I was sorry for things. However I see now that some of the things I did were even when I didn't feel I was 'in the wrong' so to speak. I see, especially last year when I wore myself out building the house, how I completely forgot about myself and lost myself in so many ways. When I tried to stand my ground, I did it wrong, I know now my head was in a mess, my own dog so to speak. This cleared me in so many ways and I see my new path ahead of me. A path to improvement and a better me. I just did everything for her rather than encourage her to get some things done herself. A friend of mine called me a slave to my wife, and now that I have actually said no to the 'princess' she throws out the tantrums and guilt trips.
This is a very hard learning experience but it's the way I need to look at it, a learning experience to find myself again and move on the direction I want to go.
I've gone back over a few things in my head and a couple of things stand out. When she was still in the house, I overheard her talking to a friend, one of the things she said was she wanted to drive more (which she never wanted to do and I didn't make her do). So I then after hearing this, I didn't say anything but I forced the issue a couple of times by getting out of the house first and sitting in the passenger seat. Each time I did this, I remember her coming out of the house and pausing for several seconds before getting in the drivers seat. At the first opportunity though, if we had stopped somewhere, she would race back to the car to get in the passenger seat. She would drive when she said she wanted to but when I forced the issue upon her she couldn't get away from it quick enough.
Some things are making more sense the more I learn, should probably have learnt some of this sooner but it is what it is.
Ok, open question. I have read several posts about exposing affairs and how that can shake the foundations. My issue is that my WW's potential OM is single so other than confronting him directly there is no one to expose him to. I did send a picture of his car that I had to SIL and said that it had been outside her place early in the morning. I haven't contacted the family since, had an email from FIL last week which I answered by sending some pictures of the kids. I didn't ask any questions or mention W at all. He did say that they were not hearing from her much at all.
If I remember correctly Sandi, it was your daughter's discovery that shook your foundations, no?
I will keep pulling away and detaching, have felt better this week about it and has been very little contact with WW. IC has been helping me this week.
My W is a very smart girl, it's hard to see how someone couldn't see the damage they were doing last year, I don't think she ever grasped the concept that she was involved in an EA.
Si, you're thinking about what she's thinking. Exposing her A is not going to bring her back to you, probably take her further away because you're pursuing her.
Take a step back, then another one, and keep on doing that until you no longer see her as your W. She is toxic to you right now, and you're not helping yourself.
No offense, and i'm not sure what Sandi would say, but it would surely contain the word "balls".
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
